Forward moving
So after I cried for about 6 hours straight yesterday I wrote him a letter. Well- I did the modern version of writing a letter- I sent him a message on FB. Here it is:
"There are some things I need to say. This probably won’t make much sense to you. I’m writing this for me and I would really appreciate if you take the time to read it.
The last time we hung out you told me I was even more stubborn now then I was back in the day. I had a whole lot to say about that statement but we weren’t in touch before you left and then you were deployed and I had no idea whether or not we’d even speak when you came home. I honestly didn’t think we would despite what you’ve said. The only reason you came by this time is b/c you needed some legal advice. You called to let me know you were back and said we should hang out b/c you have nothing to do- you said you’d be in touch with me over the week. You weren’t. I got in touch with you. I’m good like that with you- it ain’t like it used to be back in the day. Now I’m the one who gets in contact with you and I wait for you to ignore it- which you do until you’re bored again and I come up on the list of people that will most likely be waiting home.
I said to myself that if we ever hung out again I would explain myself. I said if you ever cared enough to get in touch with me I’d say all I had to say. I’d say what I’ve been holding in for a while now. But yesterday came and of course, it wasn’t addressed that we made plans and then you just blew me off. You sat in front of me and told me you were fucking living with the mother of your children the last time we fucked and then we kept on going on with the conversation as if you didn’t say that. And that feeling I got in the pit of my stomach when you said that was something I just had to keep inside while we talked about everything but that.
Anyway- here it is- b/c I can’t hold it in anymore. I’m not your girlfriend. I haven’t been for 15 years. I’m some chick you call when you’re bored. I’m that chick now. If I sat here and wrote volumes- and I probably could- you still wouldn’t understand how horrible that makes me feel. And the difference between this letter and every other time is that I don’t blame you for shit anymore. See that’s it- I always did- but the truth is- I didn’t have to be there if I didn’t want to be.
I was so fucking hard on you while we were together (yes, that’s right, I’m referring to 15 years ago). I was horrible. You treated me good 90% of the time, really good. And I would take that other 10% and harp on it. I tried to control you. I was a bitch. I was nasty and unappreciative and for that I’m truly sorry. I hate to say this b/c as a rule I don’t really believe in regret- but I regret the way I treated you. I’ve held that regret in for so long. Being hard on you was my subconscious way of ensuring I wouldn’t be with a man like my father- oh how that logic has backfired.
Over the years there were several interactions. Each time you came and went on your terms. I wanted so much to tell you how much I loved you- how I never stopped and each time you walked in and out it took a piece of me with you- like the song. But my pride wouldn’t let me say that to a person who would break plans at whim and blow me off. To me- that said I meant nothing to you. And my pride wouldn’t let me tell you how much you hurt me. My pride just wouldn’t let me. So honesty wasn’t an option b/c I didn’t want to be that bitch. The bitch that guys just use. But despite my best efforts- there I was- and to you no less, to one of the only people that ever really loved me- good for me. I was just reaching new lows almost daily.
There was something I never told you. When we broke up I was so broken hearted- b/c it was a sad thing. I would walk around the house crying for days. My father would see me crying and he would say to me- in a mocking tone- “Awww, what’s the matter? You upset cause Steve pissed on you?” He made fun of me. He did it a lot. Ever time he saw me hurt he would make fun of me. What that taught me was that it was a character flaw to feel sad and vulnerable. I wasn’t conscious of it- but that’s what I learned. So I started lying to myself. I started being with people and acting like I never cared even when I did. That way when they left- I could comfort myself by saying I never really tried or that I never bought their shit- I knew they were going to do what they did.
The harder I got on the outside the softer I got on the inside. Until I just shut my heart off. Because the thought of all that pretending and all that abuse- most of which I was doing to myself- was just too much to handle. Somewhere along the line I stopped having fun. I stopped believing that life was fun. And I held onto the past for dear life b/c I truly started believing that if I could get back there- to before I was so broken- that I could fix things. I thought that was the only way.
You became the personification of trying to get back to my past. This is what I have always had to say to you:
I love you. I always have. You are the love of my life. I’m not really a hard person. I know I’ve acted that way towards you. It isn’t me- it’s something I developed to protect myself when I was too young to take care of myself in any other way. Deep down inside I knew we ended forever ago. Everything left was just complete bullshit. I wasn’t your last- I was your first. You actively looked for a relationship. All the while I was here. You knew I was here. But I wasn’t an option for you anymore. I stopped being that option about 15 years ago. The only thing that was left was the fact that apparently fucking me still held interest to you- and we’ve always been friends. But you stopped loving me so long ago. And so I just took what I got from you in the hopes that maybe one day it would be different. This is me giving up that fight. I am a loving and compassionate woman. I am a good person. Someday I’m gonna find someone who sees that again. That person isn’t you and it won’t be. And that’s not your fault. I had no right to blame you for that. You just moved the fuck on- you did exactly what you should have done- what I should have done. I had no right to be nasty to you. I should have told you what I’m telling you right now- the truth. The way you’ve dealt with me over the years has really really hurt me and I deserve better. I deserve someone who will love me for me and see all my sides and appreciate me. You are NOT the person holding me back from that- the only person holding me back from that is me. I’m sorry for every bit of blame I put on you for shit that wasn’t your fault and I’m sorry my pride wouldn’t let you tell me how much shit hurt instead of just acting like I was above it and like it didn’t affect me. I don’t know if that would have made a difference- but I’m sorry nonetheless.
I learned to lie to myself when I was living with my father. It was another special little survival technique that helped me survive a bad time and now it really negatively affects my life. I guess I felt like if I acted like nothing hurt me than nothing could. Again- WRONG! I’ve lied so much to myself about my emotions that I don’t even know what the truth is a decent amount of the time- in fact, being aware of how I truly feel is a very new to me.
That’s it. That’s what I got to say. Thank you for taking the time to read it. I’ve always said out loud that you were someone in my life that I’d always love and that if I ever found out you were married with children I’d just hope the bitch treated you great and I’d be so happy to hear that you were happy. So now I’m saying it to you. I’m happy for you that you have a family now. I truly am. I wish you nothing but good things. I admire you and what you’ve accomplished in your life despite the struggles in your upbringing. I know that your life is going to be great b/c you will make it that way.
Again thanks for reading. Take care of yourself. "
_______________________________________________________________________________
That's it. That's my masterpiece. After I sent it I stopped crying. I waited to see if the pain actually left or if it was just temporary. But it's the next morning- it left. I don't know if he'll write me back. As many of these letters that I've sent to other men in my life- I've never sent one to him. I really don't know if the last time I saw him will be the last time I see him. If so, that will be for the better. If I'm honest with myself I wanted one more shot with him. I wanted us to get back together as adults- now that we've both grown the fuck up- and give it a real try. But that's just not my reality. I've wanted a lot of things that weren't good for me. It's for the best- me and him not being together. I want to find someone who loves me that I can start a life with. Not someone that I can't trust. Not someone that would take as much work as it would take for me and Steve to get back together- it would take so much work and I know he just isn't there anymore. I would put in the work- but honestly- I don't know how much more time I want to spend trying to fix my past. I will happily make the future better- but "fixing" my past is just not something that's possible and I don't want to bank another hope on it- not even one.
I've always believed that everything happens for a reason. I know that times in my life where I felt like it was a punishment from God- turns out it was God looking out for me when I wasn't strong enough to look after myself. My heart still hurts. I think of his face and I wish I could hold him. But I know he's not mine- he hasn't been for a really long time. I embrace that whatever is happeing is what's meant to happen. I'm letting go and letting God.
I'm starting over today. April 28- I'm marking the date. From here on out- I am forward moving. He was the last bit of my past that I needed to make good on. Time to move forward. Today is the first day of the rest of my life.
"There are some things I need to say. This probably won’t make much sense to you. I’m writing this for me and I would really appreciate if you take the time to read it.
The last time we hung out you told me I was even more stubborn now then I was back in the day. I had a whole lot to say about that statement but we weren’t in touch before you left and then you were deployed and I had no idea whether or not we’d even speak when you came home. I honestly didn’t think we would despite what you’ve said. The only reason you came by this time is b/c you needed some legal advice. You called to let me know you were back and said we should hang out b/c you have nothing to do- you said you’d be in touch with me over the week. You weren’t. I got in touch with you. I’m good like that with you- it ain’t like it used to be back in the day. Now I’m the one who gets in contact with you and I wait for you to ignore it- which you do until you’re bored again and I come up on the list of people that will most likely be waiting home.
I said to myself that if we ever hung out again I would explain myself. I said if you ever cared enough to get in touch with me I’d say all I had to say. I’d say what I’ve been holding in for a while now. But yesterday came and of course, it wasn’t addressed that we made plans and then you just blew me off. You sat in front of me and told me you were fucking living with the mother of your children the last time we fucked and then we kept on going on with the conversation as if you didn’t say that. And that feeling I got in the pit of my stomach when you said that was something I just had to keep inside while we talked about everything but that.
Anyway- here it is- b/c I can’t hold it in anymore. I’m not your girlfriend. I haven’t been for 15 years. I’m some chick you call when you’re bored. I’m that chick now. If I sat here and wrote volumes- and I probably could- you still wouldn’t understand how horrible that makes me feel. And the difference between this letter and every other time is that I don’t blame you for shit anymore. See that’s it- I always did- but the truth is- I didn’t have to be there if I didn’t want to be.
I was so fucking hard on you while we were together (yes, that’s right, I’m referring to 15 years ago). I was horrible. You treated me good 90% of the time, really good. And I would take that other 10% and harp on it. I tried to control you. I was a bitch. I was nasty and unappreciative and for that I’m truly sorry. I hate to say this b/c as a rule I don’t really believe in regret- but I regret the way I treated you. I’ve held that regret in for so long. Being hard on you was my subconscious way of ensuring I wouldn’t be with a man like my father- oh how that logic has backfired.
Over the years there were several interactions. Each time you came and went on your terms. I wanted so much to tell you how much I loved you- how I never stopped and each time you walked in and out it took a piece of me with you- like the song. But my pride wouldn’t let me say that to a person who would break plans at whim and blow me off. To me- that said I meant nothing to you. And my pride wouldn’t let me tell you how much you hurt me. My pride just wouldn’t let me. So honesty wasn’t an option b/c I didn’t want to be that bitch. The bitch that guys just use. But despite my best efforts- there I was- and to you no less, to one of the only people that ever really loved me- good for me. I was just reaching new lows almost daily.
There was something I never told you. When we broke up I was so broken hearted- b/c it was a sad thing. I would walk around the house crying for days. My father would see me crying and he would say to me- in a mocking tone- “Awww, what’s the matter? You upset cause Steve pissed on you?” He made fun of me. He did it a lot. Ever time he saw me hurt he would make fun of me. What that taught me was that it was a character flaw to feel sad and vulnerable. I wasn’t conscious of it- but that’s what I learned. So I started lying to myself. I started being with people and acting like I never cared even when I did. That way when they left- I could comfort myself by saying I never really tried or that I never bought their shit- I knew they were going to do what they did.
The harder I got on the outside the softer I got on the inside. Until I just shut my heart off. Because the thought of all that pretending and all that abuse- most of which I was doing to myself- was just too much to handle. Somewhere along the line I stopped having fun. I stopped believing that life was fun. And I held onto the past for dear life b/c I truly started believing that if I could get back there- to before I was so broken- that I could fix things. I thought that was the only way.
You became the personification of trying to get back to my past. This is what I have always had to say to you:
I love you. I always have. You are the love of my life. I’m not really a hard person. I know I’ve acted that way towards you. It isn’t me- it’s something I developed to protect myself when I was too young to take care of myself in any other way. Deep down inside I knew we ended forever ago. Everything left was just complete bullshit. I wasn’t your last- I was your first. You actively looked for a relationship. All the while I was here. You knew I was here. But I wasn’t an option for you anymore. I stopped being that option about 15 years ago. The only thing that was left was the fact that apparently fucking me still held interest to you- and we’ve always been friends. But you stopped loving me so long ago. And so I just took what I got from you in the hopes that maybe one day it would be different. This is me giving up that fight. I am a loving and compassionate woman. I am a good person. Someday I’m gonna find someone who sees that again. That person isn’t you and it won’t be. And that’s not your fault. I had no right to blame you for that. You just moved the fuck on- you did exactly what you should have done- what I should have done. I had no right to be nasty to you. I should have told you what I’m telling you right now- the truth. The way you’ve dealt with me over the years has really really hurt me and I deserve better. I deserve someone who will love me for me and see all my sides and appreciate me. You are NOT the person holding me back from that- the only person holding me back from that is me. I’m sorry for every bit of blame I put on you for shit that wasn’t your fault and I’m sorry my pride wouldn’t let you tell me how much shit hurt instead of just acting like I was above it and like it didn’t affect me. I don’t know if that would have made a difference- but I’m sorry nonetheless.
I learned to lie to myself when I was living with my father. It was another special little survival technique that helped me survive a bad time and now it really negatively affects my life. I guess I felt like if I acted like nothing hurt me than nothing could. Again- WRONG! I’ve lied so much to myself about my emotions that I don’t even know what the truth is a decent amount of the time- in fact, being aware of how I truly feel is a very new to me.
That’s it. That’s what I got to say. Thank you for taking the time to read it. I’ve always said out loud that you were someone in my life that I’d always love and that if I ever found out you were married with children I’d just hope the bitch treated you great and I’d be so happy to hear that you were happy. So now I’m saying it to you. I’m happy for you that you have a family now. I truly am. I wish you nothing but good things. I admire you and what you’ve accomplished in your life despite the struggles in your upbringing. I know that your life is going to be great b/c you will make it that way.
Again thanks for reading. Take care of yourself. "
_______________________________________________________________________________
That's it. That's my masterpiece. After I sent it I stopped crying. I waited to see if the pain actually left or if it was just temporary. But it's the next morning- it left. I don't know if he'll write me back. As many of these letters that I've sent to other men in my life- I've never sent one to him. I really don't know if the last time I saw him will be the last time I see him. If so, that will be for the better. If I'm honest with myself I wanted one more shot with him. I wanted us to get back together as adults- now that we've both grown the fuck up- and give it a real try. But that's just not my reality. I've wanted a lot of things that weren't good for me. It's for the best- me and him not being together. I want to find someone who loves me that I can start a life with. Not someone that I can't trust. Not someone that would take as much work as it would take for me and Steve to get back together- it would take so much work and I know he just isn't there anymore. I would put in the work- but honestly- I don't know how much more time I want to spend trying to fix my past. I will happily make the future better- but "fixing" my past is just not something that's possible and I don't want to bank another hope on it- not even one.
I've always believed that everything happens for a reason. I know that times in my life where I felt like it was a punishment from God- turns out it was God looking out for me when I wasn't strong enough to look after myself. My heart still hurts. I think of his face and I wish I could hold him. But I know he's not mine- he hasn't been for a really long time. I embrace that whatever is happeing is what's meant to happen. I'm letting go and letting God.
I'm starting over today. April 28- I'm marking the date. From here on out- I am forward moving. He was the last bit of my past that I needed to make good on. Time to move forward. Today is the first day of the rest of my life.
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