I don't know why I am the way I am....tortured creator call it

Typical of me, I'm sitting here, having had some insightful thoughts about my life (sounds like usual stuff) and I've started to approach the concept of possibly a new job...possibly a full time job at that! I don't know if it's possible.  I think I could figure the job out, that I set my sights on, but I'm not sure if my health system would keep up with the stressors involved.

The start of thinking about this has been inspired by a kind of epiphany and then it's followed quickly that I go the computer to try and capture the spirit and the sense of meaning of the steps I am taking. I can't always capture what I hope to.

So here's me at this moment and now I setting off at developing all I hope to say. I'll try not to focus on the crystalization

and I'll not let perfect be the enemy of the good. I can get lost in imagery and then have to come back 

to my feet on the ground...

On the subject of what to do, my mind goes thinking about what would be meaningful. I feel the sense of shock to my own system if I were just going for money - it seems "meaningless", or so I thought, as the fear of that shock would derail me from getting any fulfillment or sense of pride about what I was doing....

(The 'or so I thought' will be written about/ addressed in a moment) but the almost patterned or algorythmic thought in me is that I feel at a loss because it is hard for me to discern what I would commit to.... what would be meaningful even before I try it. And so one step of inspiration can lead me back to a point of paralysis and then another step is considered and back I go to paralysis. I feel somehow badly that I don't have it figured out...I feel bad about myself and feel that others have a better sense of that than I do....

But the thought of stepping forward into the abyss with 'forgiving my flaws' like I wrote about yesterday...of 'aiming for the ideal but forgiving my flaws' gave me the understanding that just the "main achievement" and "process of supporting myself" and "feeding myself" is important, meaningful and excellent... flaws and all. 

That's essentially what I am doing now as a result and I'm going to consider that theme as an essential, inspiring thought.

When I've approached the idea of what would be meaningful I have gone through thinking about my religious friends who offered the job to me to become a priest monk at their monastery. I like visiting my friends there but I think NOT HAVING TO SUPPORT MYSELF to some extent might probably be demoralizing. I love them there but I might need to do something more.....I would also add that priest monk role might also allow for a personal life with work included (as the Abbess once intimated.)

Another trajectory I have is that I have a personal leaning to go into social work/services. So perhaps this could be part of the life that I could create - while supporting myself and going for meaning.

My therapist suggested I would do well as a peer support specialist... I'll look into that again.

I'll say doing something, anything to support my life and feed myself so to speak comes to mind as the excellent achievement again...it's something to come back to as 'the pat on my back' and 'feather in my cap' that I definitely can feel good about in a meaningful basic way,

to the value in my own personal life.. Taking care of life and keep on keeping on...

So this is what I am thinking about now...ideals and flaws and setting off on a trajectory of commitment and trial but not rigidity. Carefully stepping my way one foot a time towards the future. And if there's a curve in the road, I'll make the turn. :)