forgiving myself
I spent so many years of my life crucifying other's for the shitty way they treated me. Now they had no right to hurt me- that's true. But I had no right to stick around and try to change them. It was arrogant of me to expect others to understand and deal with all of my extreme sensitivity and defense mechanisms that came from my childhood and at the same time not be willing to accept that most of those people that hurt me were also victims of abuse. It took a while for me to understand that people can feel the same pain and react completely different to it. I understand now that damaged people damage people; hurt people hurt people. I guess what I didn't understand was that I was that damaged person, that hurt person- and I was hurting others the same way they were hurting me. I'm very sorry for that. For everytime I did that.
The trick is to see what I mentioned in the above paragraph while at the same time not letting people walk all over you. Those people were trying to walk over me in some way- each of them were. I don't hate myself for saying or doing something to make them see what they were doing to me- but I still hold in anger for the way I went about it. I don't like believing that I hurt other people in the same way that so many hurt me. I'm very sorry for it.
I think the guilt that I hold in for hurting other people stays with me and eats away at my soul and makes me feel like- okay- I fucked up somewhere- even if it isn't here- so I'll take the hits for it bc I deserve it. I don't deserve it.
I have to forgive myself for hurting others and I have to allow myself to understand that I deserve the same compassion and understanding that I've given others over the years. I am only human. I tried my best but what I lived through was more than I could take with a smile on my face. I still haven't forgiven myself. Even though those people that I hurt weren't saints- I guess I just expect more from myself.
I have to stop that somehow. I'm not superwoman. I'm not perfect and I never will be and that's okay. I have to believe that. Bc if I don't start seeing that I'm gonna keep trying to leave that part of me that I don't like by escaping reality- by basically leaving myself. And I don't want to abandon myself anymore. I want to know who I really am beyond this pain and I will never get to know that if I don't face reality and stop escaping it.
The trick is to see what I mentioned in the above paragraph while at the same time not letting people walk all over you. Those people were trying to walk over me in some way- each of them were. I don't hate myself for saying or doing something to make them see what they were doing to me- but I still hold in anger for the way I went about it. I don't like believing that I hurt other people in the same way that so many hurt me. I'm very sorry for it.
I think the guilt that I hold in for hurting other people stays with me and eats away at my soul and makes me feel like- okay- I fucked up somewhere- even if it isn't here- so I'll take the hits for it bc I deserve it. I don't deserve it.
I have to forgive myself for hurting others and I have to allow myself to understand that I deserve the same compassion and understanding that I've given others over the years. I am only human. I tried my best but what I lived through was more than I could take with a smile on my face. I still haven't forgiven myself. Even though those people that I hurt weren't saints- I guess I just expect more from myself.
I have to stop that somehow. I'm not superwoman. I'm not perfect and I never will be and that's okay. I have to believe that. Bc if I don't start seeing that I'm gonna keep trying to leave that part of me that I don't like by escaping reality- by basically leaving myself. And I don't want to abandon myself anymore. I want to know who I really am beyond this pain and I will never get to know that if I don't face reality and stop escaping it.
Replies
I love how you always make me think... I am realizing I won\'t be able to start forgiving others until I forgive myself... I am thinking of doing a 12 step style, \"fearless and searching moral inventory.\"
I also like what you said about striking that balance between forgiving others, but having self respect. I\'m not sure I completely understand that balance yet, but I think it will come.
Wow, the stuff that comes outta you lady!! You are doing just amazing. It\'s really an honor to be able to witness your progress. I love how much I learn from you. I\'m sorry, I just get on these boards and get all kinds of warm funzzies, haha!! Keep it up girlie.
I agree with belovely, I love your posts. They are full of feeling and sometimes scary to me because I can relate too well. Stay strong, I am here to listen anytime.
Thank you both so much. Going through all of this was so hard. I\'m actually looking back over all of these entries since the whole Steve debacle- it\'s crazy. I was holding all of this in- no wonder i\'m overweight- I\'ve been carrying around tons of emotional baggage! Something tells me that once let all of go the weight will just come off. We\'ll see.
But I\'m really happy you take something from my posts. Thank you both very much.