Forever Changed
On December 21st, 2010, at the viewing of my husband, Jeff, my ex sister inlaw handed my sister an envelope. ( I know that got confusing, but she is my sister in law from an ex husband. Bonnie has lost a husband, 11 years ago, and her fiance' in the past 7 months.)
She told me that in 1 month, my sister could give me the envelope and I could read what was inside.
Yesterday, my Mom gave me the envelope. Inside this:
Forever Changed
by Rhonda Wilson of Asheboro, NC
Can you see the change in me? It may not be so obvious to you. I participate in family activities. I attend family reunions. I help plan holiday meals. You tell me your glad to see that I don't cry anymore. But I do cry. When everyone else is gone, when it is safe, the tears fall. I cry in privacy so my family wont worry. I cry until I am exhausted and can finally sleep.
I'm active in my church. I sing hymns. I listen to the sermon. You tell me you admire my strength and my positive attitude. But I'm not strong. I feel that I have lost control and I panic when I think about tomorrow, next week, next month, next year.
I go about the routine of my job. I complete my assigned tasks. I drink coffee and smile. You tell me you're glad to see I'm "over" the death of my loved one. But I'm not "over it". If I ever get over it, I will be the same as before my loved one died. I will never be the same. At times I think I am beginning to heal but the pain of losing someone I loved so much as left a permanent scar on my heart.
I visit my neighbors. You tell me your glad to see I'm holding up so well. But I'm not holding up so well. Sometimes I want to lock my door and hide from the world.
I spend time with my friends. I appear calm and collected. I smile when appropriate. You tell me its good to see me back to my "old self".
But I will never be back to my old self. Death and grief have touched my life and I am forever changed.
________________________________________________________________
My sister in law said that she gave copies of this to my family members too and told them to read it before I got mine. Then she told me that its really not for me. It is for my family so they would know what it is like for someone who has lost someone so close as I have by losing my husband Jeff.
Thanks Bonnie! I love you for caring and I'm sorry that we are now part of the same club.
She told me that in 1 month, my sister could give me the envelope and I could read what was inside.
Yesterday, my Mom gave me the envelope. Inside this:
Forever Changed
by Rhonda Wilson of Asheboro, NC
Can you see the change in me? It may not be so obvious to you. I participate in family activities. I attend family reunions. I help plan holiday meals. You tell me your glad to see that I don't cry anymore. But I do cry. When everyone else is gone, when it is safe, the tears fall. I cry in privacy so my family wont worry. I cry until I am exhausted and can finally sleep.
I'm active in my church. I sing hymns. I listen to the sermon. You tell me you admire my strength and my positive attitude. But I'm not strong. I feel that I have lost control and I panic when I think about tomorrow, next week, next month, next year.
I go about the routine of my job. I complete my assigned tasks. I drink coffee and smile. You tell me you're glad to see I'm "over" the death of my loved one. But I'm not "over it". If I ever get over it, I will be the same as before my loved one died. I will never be the same. At times I think I am beginning to heal but the pain of losing someone I loved so much as left a permanent scar on my heart.
I visit my neighbors. You tell me your glad to see I'm holding up so well. But I'm not holding up so well. Sometimes I want to lock my door and hide from the world.
I spend time with my friends. I appear calm and collected. I smile when appropriate. You tell me its good to see me back to my "old self".
But I will never be back to my old self. Death and grief have touched my life and I am forever changed.
________________________________________________________________
My sister in law said that she gave copies of this to my family members too and told them to read it before I got mine. Then she told me that its really not for me. It is for my family so they would know what it is like for someone who has lost someone so close as I have by losing my husband Jeff.
Thanks Bonnie! I love you for caring and I'm sorry that we are now part of the same club.
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