Forever... and then today

I can't shake this overwhelming feeling that I'm gonna be lonely forever. That everyone sees me as negative and hard to be around. That I'm never going to meet a man that appreciates me. That I'm never going to make enough money to leave this house. All of that is so horrible. It makes me not even want to try- bc if it isn't going to work out anyway- if this is never ever going to get better- if life is endlessly painful and it will never stop feeling this way then why not say fuck it and just get high. And then binge- bc both bring me comfort and I deserve comfort. Both also make me feel horrible afterwards and they don't ever fix anything that's wrong with me- not ever. I've binged for 20 years, I've smoked for 15. Neither have ever brought any good into my life. But for some reason I keep escaping reality thinking that when I finally decide to face it it will be doable and possible. None of this is my fault. But I'm the person that keeps me here. Only me. I smoked and binged this weekend. And I had the house to myself. My brother wasn't here and neither was my ma. But I did spend the day with my father. I should have known that nothing good was going to come of that. I did it for him though. And he had a good day. So I made my dad happy. And as a result I binged. That's really not the worst thing that could have happened. Its over now. Something about saying it out loud makes me see how ridiculous it is to think all this negative shit will be forever. Nothing is forever.
I'm gonna type up a page that I'm going to read every morning. On it it is going to say "if you feel like shit it is bc something is wrong- not bc something is wrong with u. The best way out is always thru." Wow- that rhymed unintentionally. "If you get it out then the bad feelings will subside. If you keep it bottled up u will feel like a mess inside." Okay- that rhyme was intentional.

That wil be posted all over my car and home and office. I need reminders. Maybe that's why I got down again- bc I needed to learn that daily steps are necessary to offset a lifetime worth of negative conditioning.