For A Friend
Mark this entry as.... I finally settled on sad... but the truth is... I'm beyond sad... I'd say mad... but I'm beyond that too... what is it when you're so mad and so sad... you want to scream and to cry... to break things... to fall down and beat your fists on the ground till they're raw and bleeding like your heart... We have all felt way too much of this... Cara's death hurts like I can't explain... What happens to children... it comes too damn close...
I wrote this for you...
Once again I applaud your courage. I don't talk about it much... I too was molested as a child... so much so that as the years passed I tell people I felt like a wide open vagina... Gross imagery but I hated myself... I took all the filth and the shame and the self blame into my soul. Sometimes I felt like I was drowning in filthy sea water.
Hard to explain but sadly I think you know exactly how I felt. Like my feelings of never feeling good enough... I took on the blame for what happened. I worried and hated myself for whatever I had done to make myself the target. I was a grown woman with a 12 year old daughter... before I understood that I was not to blame... No more than I blamed my child or any child I realized I should not blame myself.
We are supposed to protect our children... I am angry and sad and so bitter that even though I know there are many mothers who love their sons if I could I would pull the plug on all child molesters myself. As far as I am concerned child molesters are murderers... They kill the child who was. Children who are molested are never the same. The child who was died... The child who takes that child's place may never recover but always carry the pain and shame inside them like a painful cancer... I am so sorry this happened to you and to far too many of us.
I wrote this for you...
Once again I applaud your courage. I don't talk about it much... I too was molested as a child... so much so that as the years passed I tell people I felt like a wide open vagina... Gross imagery but I hated myself... I took all the filth and the shame and the self blame into my soul. Sometimes I felt like I was drowning in filthy sea water.
Hard to explain but sadly I think you know exactly how I felt. Like my feelings of never feeling good enough... I took on the blame for what happened. I worried and hated myself for whatever I had done to make myself the target. I was a grown woman with a 12 year old daughter... before I understood that I was not to blame... No more than I blamed my child or any child I realized I should not blame myself.
We are supposed to protect our children... I am angry and sad and so bitter that even though I know there are many mothers who love their sons if I could I would pull the plug on all child molesters myself. As far as I am concerned child molesters are murderers... They kill the child who was. Children who are molested are never the same. The child who was died... The child who takes that child's place may never recover but always carry the pain and shame inside them like a painful cancer... I am so sorry this happened to you and to far too many of us.
Replies
I\'m so sorry
Tears~~
No words right now, as they can\'t seem to even form in my mind....but in my heart, in my heart of hearts, the words of there.....GRATITUDE is one of them.
I will write more later my friend.
If I\'ve ever meant \"tightest of heart hugs\"....and I ALWAYS mean it....I mean it even more in this moment as I send TIGHTEST OF HEART HUGS to you.
And I applaud YOUR courage!
The violation of an innocent child is simply horrendous and I\'m SO very sorry that you had to experience this nightmare of the most epic of proportions.
It robs a child of everything magical that should be theirs and most of all their safety on the planet. To try to rebuild trust with anyone would be like trying to climb to the highest mountain top.
I wil never forget in my first session of chaplaincy training and there were six of us. Four of the women had been abused as children. One by a priest, one by a baby sitter, one by a boyfriend when it was not consensual and the list goes on. My heart broke sitting there in group and listening to them share their narratives, yet they had to bring it out into the light in order to begin to do their healing work.
I remember Elizabeth Smart who was kidnapped out of her Salt Lake City home at the age of 14 and repeatedly raped for nine months say that she refused to continue to give her life over to those who tried to take it from her. What courage it does take to share, put it out there and to begin the healing.
Gentle care dear Elissa and to all who have had to suffer this heinous abuse. I\'m SO terribly, terribly SORRY!
Elissa, my sweet friend....I am so very sorry, that you were abused, that way. I am sure the horror of it stays with you always, under the surface, waiting to jump out and traumatise you, all over again. Nobody deserves that kind of abuse!! I wish I could \"really\" hug you , but Richard will have to do it for me, today. Tell him I said, \" you need a hug\" ! We speak and he must obey, lol...
((((HUGS))))....Julia
i know just what you mean! Death to them all. Glad you found out it\'s not your fault, we have enough guilt without borrrowing more. Horpe we get a chance to meet, sending soft hugs, Abby
I wish I could be there to give you a hug. And I wish I could give the little girl who suffered such horror a loving hug too. You are so right. You were changed forever. I would like to castrate those who abuse children - without the benefit of anaesthetic.
Love and huge hugs,
Marlene
I cannot even come close to imagining the pain and humiliation you suffered as a child. It just makes me heartsick that this happens. I pray that you are somehow able to embrace, hug and love that precious young girl of your youth and through that love find healing for the woman who is wise, caring, understand and loving that we all know and love. Love and hugs to you as always...Lynn
Dearest Elissa, This truly hurts my heart and head. I just cannot understand AT ALL anyone who can so abuse a child. I am so sorry for your horrendous experiences and grateful that you are now able to not blame yourself. As Julia said, tell Richard that you need another hug and it is from me. Love, prayers, and hugs, Sharon
This is such a hard journal to read.... So hard because of the deep sadness I feel for the hell you were forced to endure as a child. So hard because of the memories that flood in as I remember some of my own hell.
We are not what happened to us! And NONE of it was our fault! And NONE of it was deserved!
Child molesters are most definitely murderers! So much of my innocence, of your innocence, was killed at the hand of another.
I\'ve fought a lifetime to heal the little girl inside of me. And for the most part, she and I have succeeded. But truth is, just by reading Binky\'s journal, and her mentioning that movie, I\'m taken immediately back to that night.... I don\'t know how to prevent it....but I do know I can and I do LIVE in spite of it!
I refuse to give away my power now. I\'ve fought to long and too hard to have any power at all, so I\'ll be damned if they will rob me of it ever again!!!!
I was told I was ugly, stupid, and would have no love in my life, no family, no joy, no hope. I remember watching Susanne Somers talk about her abusive father and how he would tell her she was a big fat zero. Oh how I relate!
But you know what.....I am NOT a big fat zero!!!!
I am AMAZING!
I am BEAUTIFUL!
I am worth loving!
And I deserve JOY and LOVE in my life and I\'ll be damned if I\'ll give up on myself!
YOU, my friend, are AMAZING!
YOU, my friend, are BEAUTIFUL!
YOU, my friend, are worth loving!
We\'ve had a lot of shitty deals thrust upon us, but you and I are stronger than ANY evil, stronger than ANY pain, stronger than ANY nightmare we\'ve had to face.
Now, time for me to exhale, release, and breathe in the positive energy of LOVE which is sent to me every moment of every day by Kala and by Spirit.
And as I allow myself to feel the release of these emotions, I am praying for you to find release too my friend~~
May we all be blessed with the knowledge of how truly wonderful and LOVED we really are!
\" what is it when you\'re so mad and so sad... you want to scream and to cry... to break things... to fall down and beat your fists on the ground till they\'re raw and bleeding like your heart...\"
GRIEF-STRICKEN!
I knew a woman who was raped by a 14 year old boy when she was SEVEN years old. When she went home and her mother realized what had happened to her little girl, she threw her arms around her and said, \"Oh, honey, IT WASN\'T YOUR FAULT.\" This woman recovered (as much as one can recover from sexual abuse), turned out fairly normal, and married. I knew another woman who was raped at 12. Her parents blamed her, forced her to get the morning-after contraceptive, telling her, \"YOU\'RE NOT HAVING A BASTARD.\" This woman never overcame her trauma. Even close to menopause, she remained single, she remained virginal (except for the rape). And needless to say she had no functional relationship with her parents! She said once to me, her voice breaking with pain even after all those years, \"HOW CAN YOU BLAME A CHILD???\"
As everyone has said, my heart goes out to you. I hope some peace can come to you as you journey this path. There are not words. Love, Kathy
So sorry for what you had to endure. Sending much love your way. Sue xo
I fully agree, rapists and molesters are MURDERERS, and they deserve the death sentence! They murder innocence, wholeness, purity and trust. And these injuries never heal completely.