following a truth or a set of imagery

I am struggling today to see myself outside a sense of task or see value in myself. I need to calmly shift gears, mentally if I can to go ahead and try to go for things I know I would like to do -

it seems to me that at healthier moments, like I had  yesterday afternoon - I have a sense of possibility, calmness and a sense of choice in the great expanse of life's offering - - nothing seemed really urgent

- I didn't have the hurdle of my own need monolithically hanging over me  - I just felt comfortable and happy that I had the day to explore -

I guess that's when I am clear - like yesterday - and then

last night after the onset of dark agression that I mentioned in my last journal - I lost that sense of calm- it seemed like what I was wanting or bettter said my mind shifted to a sense of project and urgency in my life - and yes tasking seemed the way to deal with that frame of mind - maybe it's just a coping mechanism and I am grateful for it - no need to question - just go with it!

- I slept well and I woke up in a good place - but then after a spell of lying in bed  I felt the vacuum of having the day to myself and at points like that know I have to look up and over that kind of soup that I am sitting in - and it was a good thing - my therapy and effort is slowly helping me do this - and so this 

so I got up, showered and got dressed - played with Blue, just had my morning chores - of making breakfast and cleaning up

after it - and then thought about coffee - tried not to spend money - but

then decided to go for the coffee at Dunkin Donuts eventually. Why not? Another thing I will have to pay for but I can do it - 

and so like the mission to go get coffee and then come home was good and now my next step 

has me now sitting here and writing - looking for inspiration to write and i am picking apart my experience

to try and find inspiration - a pathway forward to writing this book that I've talked about. When it comes down to it- it's like

when it comes to my personal pursuits - where I am purely sticking my head out from under the water line

and not thinking in terms of wisdom - I shy away from it. But like I did first thing in the morning - I must believe in that reality too - and just go for it - I am wondering why i have these existential journal

writings coming to mind...try to piece together my experience and not feel so gauzey thin and inconsequential... I know we all must feel like that at times - just one among many - and our personal pursuits can feel so beside the point and maybe unworthy -

Conversely my ego can be big when I don't keep things mentally in check - I can think in terms of icons and then the realization that I need to be humble and thoughtful about the reality of my life is the case - I need to make choices that are intelligent and not just the follow through of fulfilling an image ..or the course of an idealized playing out of imagery ...or a way of being..

I don't know...maybe I just will accept that it all is just what it is - take care of myself best I can -

and live with the sense of lacking.... reminds me of a country song "A longing in my heart"

My therapist has talked to me about living by my mission statement - I know I am much more than just that -

and so that reality causes some struggle for me - but maybe that reality of not feeling 100% at times

is just part of that longing and experience of existing..

- perhaps the monastery is the place for all those things - where I can live by the mission in a safe structured

and sweetly simple way of life...- I could live my version of living there - with physical activity - with intellectual pursuits - and then the structure of the day..

Now I think I'll go to the park and walk...o solo mio? or just better 'ease on down the road'  :) hehe

Thanks guys for reading. I feel selfish but I need to just shake it off and get going with the day.

peace.