FML (caution: contains some foul language)
Dear DS diary,
Last night we took my sister and her husband out to dinner for purposes of celebrating their first wedding anniversary, which happens to be today (for a formal celebration they are spending a night and two days at Cape Cod, mini-putt is involved). This is supposed to be a happy occasion...except if you're me.
I couldn't get into a celebratory mood all night long...nothing close to it. Several things were involved. First was the memory of me bolting from her actual ceremony right after the cake was cut because I had basically collapsed under the stress of the situation. Then there's the frustration I feel over basically feeling paralyzed by anxiety over where things will be going when and if I finish my PCCE study guide. I need to brutally honest right here and now: Outside of here and the few e-mail friends that I have, I'm convinced that I have only enemies, not a single friend I feel comfortable with (this explains why I am so sarcastic at work). The idea of therapy has already been shot down for this reason because if I ever get sent to one the odds that I will not lock up before one are about as good as the odds that I will ever be able to play for Manchester United, and at 34 I would be considered old even for domestic play.
This conviction that I have no face-to-face friends has already done more than its share of damage. I wanted to start my study guide six weeks ago. I still haven't and there is no end in sight for the hiding issues because I'd rather hide than face someone I don't know, and my parents are basically indifferent over when I take the exam, which is hurting the motivation factor even more. Thanks to this a new problem has come up...I'll have to get my own insurance in a couple of weeks, which probably won't be cheap.
I should have seen this coming three months ago, because that's how long my current issues with falling asleep consistently go back now...Christ, I actually expected it, and yet I felt completely powerless to deal with it. Like one of my other friends here, I feel my control is effectively gone.
Fuck my life...seriously, fuck it.
Last night we took my sister and her husband out to dinner for purposes of celebrating their first wedding anniversary, which happens to be today (for a formal celebration they are spending a night and two days at Cape Cod, mini-putt is involved). This is supposed to be a happy occasion...except if you're me.
I couldn't get into a celebratory mood all night long...nothing close to it. Several things were involved. First was the memory of me bolting from her actual ceremony right after the cake was cut because I had basically collapsed under the stress of the situation. Then there's the frustration I feel over basically feeling paralyzed by anxiety over where things will be going when and if I finish my PCCE study guide. I need to brutally honest right here and now: Outside of here and the few e-mail friends that I have, I'm convinced that I have only enemies, not a single friend I feel comfortable with (this explains why I am so sarcastic at work). The idea of therapy has already been shot down for this reason because if I ever get sent to one the odds that I will not lock up before one are about as good as the odds that I will ever be able to play for Manchester United, and at 34 I would be considered old even for domestic play.
This conviction that I have no face-to-face friends has already done more than its share of damage. I wanted to start my study guide six weeks ago. I still haven't and there is no end in sight for the hiding issues because I'd rather hide than face someone I don't know, and my parents are basically indifferent over when I take the exam, which is hurting the motivation factor even more. Thanks to this a new problem has come up...I'll have to get my own insurance in a couple of weeks, which probably won't be cheap.
I should have seen this coming three months ago, because that's how long my current issues with falling asleep consistently go back now...Christ, I actually expected it, and yet I felt completely powerless to deal with it. Like one of my other friends here, I feel my control is effectively gone.
Fuck my life...seriously, fuck it.
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