Flip flop
being here at the monastery is teaching more and more how to get along with other adults . It’s helping me be reasonable and get along and also be awake to those I really really like. I think some folks have a hard time making space for discussing things that are factual. One person has scorned me for resting but I won’t let that person rent room in my head. He doesn’t have to understand, we’re all adults after all and geronta (the elder) blesses me to rest.Sorry that must seem negative.I feel the there is such growth for life and understanding. The experience is getting richer and richer.My sense of confidence and comfort in my skin is growing too, It’s wonderful!!
I feel so lucky to be here! My mind is not so well made for scholarship in the service but I know in time it will develop! My friend has a facility with learning which is so cool! Last night in the spirit of it, (it was a special ‘forgiveness’ service last night) I thought about all the dark mistakes I have made in the past and how my present conscience is bewildered I did such things. I am not self justifying but I’m reminded of the phrase:
“Good judgment comes from experience,
Where does experience come from?
…. Bad judgment “
im finding how anxiety makes it harder for me to learn the academia of the services but I know it will get better.
Replies
You are taking back the power that you gave away! "One person has scorned me for resting but I won’t let that person rent room in my head." Each time you do that, you gain more confidence in yourself! Good for you! Great job!......
Nobody is higher then you and nobody is lower then you we are all the same, all made in the image of God!
God Bless
Big hug sweetie
I'm glad that you're thinking about your mental health and wellbeing
Rest is so important and you're dealing with things probably?? That most of your colleagues don't understand
I think you are a pretty great guy my friend...xo
Here's to you, learning to rest as needed is important to help balance anxiety naturally! Awesome work and peace for you!
thanks you guys!! so appreciate it!! You're the sunshine in my eyes and wind in my sails today!! :) xx
I wrote this to the elder at the urging of my friend the abbess.
Geronta, I wrote this to Aemiliane and she urged me to tell you.
I was a little disconnected this morning after services, dark and raw and detached inside. Services went well but in candor I struggled with my mission this morning behind the iconostasis. I can’t keep a perfect focus. I’ve talked to Father Capadostrias about this as well. He said it’s not uncommon to lose one’s place in services. Anyhow I just felt a darkness and I was quite harsh with myself. I’m learning that I need a well balance of things. I cannot only focus on grace only, perhaps involving self care in my life while serving too is of big importance. Yes, I think so. My insides are a little raw. I strained a great deal to do it all well to keep focused and present to know what was going on and not lose my place, naturally I go into dream mode in services.. I need to recover and get some tea!:) I’m realizing a bigger purpose. I’m sensing expansion to appreciate things not just in terms of my work behind the iconostasis. I must find something that is my niche here for my temperament and talents…, something that is my forte. I’m not giving up but want you to know My mind is not made for scholarship, anxiety makes me go “offline” but I admire it in others. I will learn the service in time I know. I have faith in myself. Father Capadostrias said to give myself time. It generally takes 2-3 years. God grant me the patience and this healthy new outlook to nurture me along the way!
I just was realizing that I am very hard on myself to the point of self injury. I needed to realize a healthy balance. I feel like I have after today.
I really think there is a compassion to a personal grace, but also I’ve a need to look outside past my own feelings too.
Big squishy hug...xo
Thanks Jan!