FLASHBACKS!!!!
5-2-09: I am having so many flashbacks! I just keep seeing Scott laying there with his eyes "staring" at the ceiling. I keep wondering if he knew he was dying and couldn't call for help or if he knew anything at all. When you die a peaceful death aren't your eyes closed?!?!? When you are surprised by your death, aren't they open?!?!? This haunts me! Why didn't I check on him when I heard that "funny" breath?!?!? I will never forgive myself! And, more death! Melissa's grandma died. She was eighty-two. She had lived a long, full, life. But, it is still one more blow to the family. And, a neighbor/friend, passed away just a couple of weeks ago. He was also old. But, the family is grieving. My son, Chris, spent a lot of time with him. His grandson and Chris were very good friends. How, on earth, can we continue this journey??? It does not seem to get easier. I feel crazier with each passing day! I long for death. I want my pain to end. But, when my pain ends, it will just start pain with others. There is just no peaceful and happy ending to this thing called life. I don't get it! On the up side....I only have about 20 working days left until school is out! I am looking forward to having a couple of months off! I am so tired! Rain and more rain, here. It does not help my mood! We have had rain for the past several days and will have more the next several. Enough is enough! Lots of flooding! My nephew is being deployed to Iraq on Monday. My mom is freaking out! I don't like it. But, like I told her, more young people die, everyday, in the U.S. than die in the war. We just don't hear about them. Don't misunderstand....I am concerned for him! I wish him well! So, another day finished! Yea! One more day down....???? to go!
Replies
I don\'t think the eyes being opened or closed have anything to do with the peace or un peacful kind of death. You had no way of foreseeing that anything was wrong. Please do not do this to your self. It won\'t change a thing it is only torturing yourself. You loved your son. Try to push these awful images and thoughts away. You will someday reach a point when you can remember the good times and happier things. It is a long slow ordeal. Please keep your heart with hope in it and know you will be together again someday. Your son can rest now. While you are left in this awful pain, he is no longer hurting. I am sorry. I have lost my 2 sons and my step daughter. I have had flash backs from having to identify her body at the hospital. My husband fraked out worse than me. He is usually a rock. I hope God can comfort you. I am here with you,love Peggy
I do the same thing. I know. have you spoken with a counselor about it, there is therapy to help you with flashbacks. They use this therapy on war survivors. the flashbacks are causing post traumatic stress disorder, I was told.
yes, the kids should not have to be in that war. I went thru that with my stepson and almost my oldest son. its too much. sending you peace and love and light.
Oh Ginger! Please try to push those images away! Everytime one pops into your head, try to see him smiling or laughing. Ask God to take these thoughts away from you and trust that HE will. Sometimes the devil works on our faith in God by showing us all the BAD and I try to be more positive and when I have the bad thoughts, I think of God and Jesus and remember my smiling Jamie. Imagine me thinking about him putting a gun into his mouth. There is no way that I could ever live with that! NO WAY!!
You are not guilty for your son\'s death! I know how you feel, believe me, I have been there! With suicide, we always blame ourselves, a Mother should have KNOWN!! But, I am not responsible any more than you are. The accepting is the hardest part, going on, trying to heal. Your thoughts are natural, but only you can make the effort to change them. I pray that you will start to concentrate more on the good times and the love you shared. He still loves you, Hon, that will never change! Tight hugs, Judy
Thinking about the what ifs just make you crazy. I go there periodically to \"live it again\", but then I try to distract myself with life. I enjoy things in life and then I mourn...I am learning to live a happy life with grief a part of it...instead of live a life of grief with happiness a part of it. Does that make sense? Keep trying each day and remember how our life is a roller coaster and maybe today is your downward swoop and tomorrow might be the upward. Love to you...Karen
Ginger, Hope that someday you can put away the what if & the pictures in your mind. I know I haven\'t lost my sone the way you did but remember I am here and just a few hours away if you need to come down & talk more. I am sure you will be glad when school is out & can try to relax some. It will soon be pool time. I am also tired of the rain. Hugs, Connie
I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I cannot imagine how hard it is to have the pictures in your head as you do. I feel from being with many people as they passed (hospice nurse) that their eyes being open or closed didnt matter as far as if they were at peace. I know this might not help but I had to say that. I beleive at the end they were with angels. I believe some were seeing angels and had eyes open as if looking at somthing so beautiful, a few of my patients would talk about what they saw as they were in their last days or hours and it was always peaceful. Again I am so sorry and send my prayers and love, I hope you feel lots of support. Hugs,Kate
Ginger, I am going to email you privately about the way Scott died. I am sorry for the other deaths in your life right now. My younger son, Jason, lost his grandma in September and then his brother in November. He has been away at college and had worked so hard for the coveted \"Perfect Attendance\" award at his school. He had even gone to school sick. Alas, he did not get the award because the only days he ever missed were for the services of his grandma and brother. So while his grandma did live a good full life, he misses her sorely and then to lose his brother on the heels of her death has been rough for him! I, too, long for death. I consider each that I get through to be one less that I have to live without Michael. But it is sort of a \"catch-22\" because when I go, I leave my other son behind. It as been rain, rain, rain here as well. They say we need it, but I wish it would go away for a little while. I am thinking of you. Hugs Belinda
All people who die, have their eyes open, it has to do with muscle contraction not manner of death. I don\'t know how we do this but we do. You are much stronger than you think, you will get through this. Are you still seeing a therapist, I find they really help. Sending strength and love hugs Cathy