FLASHBACKS!!!!

5-2-09:  I am having so many flashbacks!  I just keep seeing Scott laying there with his eyes "staring" at the ceiling.  I keep wondering if he knew he was dying and couldn't call for help or if he knew anything at all.  When you die a peaceful death aren't your eyes closed?!?!?  When you are surprised by your death, aren't they open?!?!?  This haunts me!  Why didn't I check on him when I heard that "funny" breath?!?!?  I will never forgive myself! And, more death!  Melissa's grandma died.  She was eighty-two. She had lived a long, full, life.  But, it is still one more blow to the family.  And, a neighbor/friend, passed away just a couple of weeks ago.  He was also old.  But, the family is grieving.  My son, Chris, spent a lot of time with him.  His grandson and Chris were very good friends. How, on earth, can we continue this journey???  It does not seem to get easier.  I feel crazier with each passing day!  I long for death.  I want my pain to end.  But, when my pain ends, it will just start pain with others.  There is just no peaceful and happy ending to this thing called life.  I don't get it! On the up side....I only have about 20 working days left until school is out!  I am looking forward to having a couple of months off!  I am so tired! Rain and more rain, here.  It does not help my mood!  We have had rain for the past several days and will have more the next several.  Enough is enough!  Lots of flooding! My nephew is being deployed to Iraq on Monday.  My mom is freaking out!  I don't like it.  But, like I told her, more young people die, everyday, in the U.S. than die in the war.  We just don't hear about them.  Don't misunderstand....I am concerned for him!  I wish him well! So, another day finished! Yea!  One more day down....???? to go!