Flagler
WHile we were watching the Weather Channel this afternoon I was reading what was scrolling along the bottom and I saw the word Flagler...a trigger...Cassi and I went toSaint Augustine several years ago and just while driving around we discovered this beautiful college. Too bad when we found out it was a private college and therefore out of our price change. But it brought back the day we spent there together. Once we parked and started walking around we actually stumbled into a tiny, hidden park like area with a beautiful, ancient statue of Saint Francis of Assissi, patron saint of the animals and the poor. Two groups immensely important to my daughter and me.
Well, I started crying. My husband was beside me so I started explaining the whole story to him...and he got MAD, or IMPATIENT, or something with me. He told me that memories should make me happy. I tried to explain to him that when memories are all I have they don't make me happy. Maybe they will someday, but I am not there yet. I also told him that he had not spent as much time with her and did not know how sad she was much of the time anyway. He didn't respond to that fortunately because it could have gone downhill quickly. He always put his career before us. He tried to reframe it by saying he worked so long and for such long hours was to give us more and so that he would be able to retire young, which he has. But there were several years he didn't live with us because he was transfered all over the state and we might not see him for 2 months. All those years, Cassi and I just became closer and closer, and I came to feel I really didn't need a man in my life as long as I had my daughter. It went along pretty well until she started having her depressive episodes and she got worse and worse. I was hysterical because I was doing all I knew to do. I would beg him for help, so his idea of help was to call Cassi and say "How are you", she'd say "Fine", then he'd call me back and tell me she sounded fine to him. Neither of them could ever communicate on deeper levels and I was stuck in the middle trying to translate between them. However, he was the adult, she was the troubled child and he should have tried harder no matter how awkward it was for him.
I am very disappointed in him.
So I can't sleep...do the ONE THING I KNOW will upset me more...sigh...I get on facebook and since hardly anyone is on this late I started looking up Cassi's friends from high school, including her best friend. Soooo not the thing to do and I know that!!! I know that!!! Seeing so much that my daughter never got to experience andnever will. How can it be so unfair???
I feel like I am going crazy, or driving myself crazy, but it's the only rational response to living out such a nightmare!!!
Yesterday I was crying, as usual, when one of Cassi's friends from Pensacola sent me a photo of herself smiling saying she hoped I was having a nice day. We started talking and I was talking about moving away and how Cassi wanted to move away...Jackie reminded me of a job she had applied for in New York that she got excited about and that if she got she wanted me and Steve to move up there with her. I said, "Yeah, I would have moved to the moon to be near her." Then she sent me a message back that dropped me to my knees...it was " She always wanted you close so she could protect you." OMG OMG OMG I was her mother it was my job to protect HER and I didn't or couldn't do it. What kind of mother am I?????? I made all the mistakes and my precious baby had to pay for them!!! It doesn't make sense, I just don't understand how I let her go so far off the rails that she would take her life!!! I should be the one in the ground, not her. However, at least I truly know she is happy and healthy and loved beyond what any of us in out tiny human brains can imagine. I am glad she isn't hurting, I just never understand why she had to hurt in the begin with. I wanted to protect her from all the pain in this world, and I couldn't.
Sorry to go on so much just HAD to get it out and I NEED some understanding from broken-hearted mothers that my husband can't comprehend.
Replies
This is where we come to get it out and ALL out. Wishing I could sit beside you in silence and just BE with you in the heartache, heartbreak and companioning that we do so sorely need.
Keep feeling, breathing through it as you are and feel your sisterhood breathing alongside of you. Nothing more, nothing less, a common bond that we wish we didn't have, yet we do... The mind and heart must go to these places and often. When you are "there" please be as gentle with yourself as you can be. It is a reminder I must give myself often when I wish that I could press a "do over" button and realize that I cannot.
Hand in hand, Heart to heart,
XO Joanie
Gina, you did protect Cassi as best you could. Mental illness, depression are diseases that sometimes people succumb to. Eddie died from a heart attack - I felt somehow I should have known he had a ticking time bomb in his chest. But I didn't. I do know you and I would have moved heaven and earth to save Cassi and Eddie if we could have. I too take comfort in knowing that Eddie is with God and doing beyond well and loved divinely. We will see them again and we will be amazed at how quickly this heartache disappears and is replaced with bliss. Until that day, we will help each other with love and understanding. Love to you and precious Cassi, Linda
You did all a mother could do, love and cherish your daughter. What the mental illness did was out of any ones control. Cassi is without pain. She now watches over you instead of you watching over her.
Tight hugs
Penny