Five minutes pull free?
Not a high point today. Started googling permanent makeup and then cried because it feels like I'm just giving up. My hair is somewhat under control - a job I had last year was the most stressed I've ever been (like, literally almost gave myself an ulcer in three months), and my hair pretty much showed it. To make matters worse it required a ton of public appearances/arguing in front of people, so that was fun. But long story short I GTHO, moved back to the city I went to undergrad in, and I started a newer, pretty boring (but less stressful!) job at a different company. The bad news is that I'm alone most of the day, so it's really REALLY easy to pull. The good news is that after a couple of bad days in December, I haven't had any "sprees." Buuuuuuut the pulling on my lashes is pretty much constant, and I've been without for I can't even remember how long.
It's getting harder and harder to tell myself that I can do it this time. And it's getting so incredibly overwhelming thinking about the days, months, years I have wasted on this. I'm just so fed up. I'm tired. I'm sick of it. I want to be normal. I want to have normal-people problems. Some days, I would give anything to trade this for something people kind of understand - manic depression? Gambling addiction? I don't know. I know it sounds crazy, but it seems a lot less crazy than pulling out my hair.
I was in a friend's wedding last memorial day - when I was actually doing well on my lashes - and one of my friends who hadn't seen me in a while commented on how pretty my eyes looked and asked me if I was doing something different with my makeup. HAHAHA. I wish. Because even though I'm good at liner/eyebrow pencil (I missed my calling as a makeup artist), I wish SO MUCH that I could just get up in the morning and go. That I could honestly not give a shit if other people saw me without makeup. That I could just look at my boyfriend in the morning and not want to hide my face because I feel so ugly. I think I'm too the point now where I'll just always have sparse brows, and I'm worried I'm never going to have eyelashes, either. I just wish I could figure out a way to care enough to translate that into not actually pulling.
It's getting harder and harder to tell myself that I can do it this time. And it's getting so incredibly overwhelming thinking about the days, months, years I have wasted on this. I'm just so fed up. I'm tired. I'm sick of it. I want to be normal. I want to have normal-people problems. Some days, I would give anything to trade this for something people kind of understand - manic depression? Gambling addiction? I don't know. I know it sounds crazy, but it seems a lot less crazy than pulling out my hair.
I was in a friend's wedding last memorial day - when I was actually doing well on my lashes - and one of my friends who hadn't seen me in a while commented on how pretty my eyes looked and asked me if I was doing something different with my makeup. HAHAHA. I wish. Because even though I'm good at liner/eyebrow pencil (I missed my calling as a makeup artist), I wish SO MUCH that I could just get up in the morning and go. That I could honestly not give a shit if other people saw me without makeup. That I could just look at my boyfriend in the morning and not want to hide my face because I feel so ugly. I think I'm too the point now where I'll just always have sparse brows, and I'm worried I'm never going to have eyelashes, either. I just wish I could figure out a way to care enough to translate that into not actually pulling.
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