First in-person talk with him....
08/09/13 2:30pm"9 days out now from The Bomb. He came over this morning after work for our first real talk since he moved out. Before this we hadn't spoken a single word to each other.It was...hard, almost like talking to a stranger and as if I was a stranger myself. But then, I guess that's true. He turned out to be not who I had thought he was, and I feel like I barely know who I am anymore.There was no yelling, no shouting, no anger on either side. Just...quietness. Choked regret. Whispers of pain and loss, woven among the starker words of how to begin to divide what little we have. Stillborn attempts at jokes, as we each wanted to say or do something to make it...not okay, because I can't be that, not now, maybe not ever...but at least not so horribly awkward and painful.He told me I was an amazing person and that while he loved me, he wasn't in love with me. And that he didn't feel like he could do anything else other than ask for a divorce. He admitted that he handled things badly by not talking about what he was feeling back when it might have been early enough that we might have had a chance to work on things, to just maybe save the relationship. He sounded sincere but....I also thought he loved me when apparently he didn't anymore, so...what do I know about judging him or anyone accurately?There are no children at least, for which I'm very grateful. I can't begin to imagine how much more that would complicate and magnify everything. My heart goes out to everyone that has had to bear that extra burden, and to all of the poor children caught in the middle.Am I in a good place? No, I don't think so. I don't feel quite so...overwhelmed and paralyzed which I guess probably counts as progress. I'm at least not in such a very dark place, that much I can at least feel about myself. I smiled a few times at work, nothing that went any deeper than lip-deep but still...the smile was at least there, if only very briefly and dimly.As we stood before he left, he asked hesitantly if I needed a hug and I was already replying yes before he could finish the words. We hugged a long time, both of us crying, before we broke apart and he left again. I'm alone with just me now and too many sad thoughts and I wishes."
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Your story and mine sound so familiar. I don\'t understand why they did not say something when they first felt the disconnection.. why they hid it when it could have been probably repaired back then. our first meeting sounded very similar after the bomb.. The hurt the pain the love that still exists is so hard to deal with. My husband has been back a couple times since it happened.. since we have the house to get ready and get sold he will be back for the next three weekends to help work on getting it ready. It will be hard... he rings the doorbell and it kills me. He acts as though I\'m a friend that he keeps at arms legnth he dosn\'t want to see my tears. He dosn\'t want to talk about it. He wants to just be able to move on to this new life... just move on. I think that is a difference my husband has a new relationship he is moving too... a recovering alcoholic with three kids 9-13 a strange move for him... and it hurts even more that he has this life all picked out and he did when he was working on it \"supposedly\" for the three weeks.. its just unthinkable how much my life changed over the last 4 weeks and how I never saw this coming.. never thought out issues were this big. how blind was i?
Mine claimed he didn\'t want to hurt me, and that\'s why he didn\'t say anything earlier. Uh, yeah, and just how did that little plan work out? :p
Really, what it amounted to is that he didn\'t want to rock the boat and have to deal with life alone but as soon as he had someone else to go be with, he was pretty damned quick to \'hurt me\' without a second thought.
It hurts both to be near him and to be away from him. There just isn\'t a happy place either direction. But it\'s very gradually becoming less unhappy, I guess. when he was over last week and went to hug me before leaving again it was just... weird. For the first time it didn\'t have that *right* feeling being in his arms, it felt stilted and awkward, like something was missing. And it was a shock, like my center of gravity had shifted. Like finding out that somehow I could still breathe without oxygen.Maybe it\'s what moving on feels like.