First "Full" Day of Volunteering
So today I did my first full day of volunteering, 4 hours. It went well... It felt really good to joke around about it being Friday and the weekend coming and all, and on Monday I can complain about it being Monday. It feels good... almost like I was working. It made me think about possibly trying to get a job there later on. I have to see how it works out with SSDI and all that, but I think I can get a job as long as I earn less than $1,000 a month. I have to see how much I can earn. I'm not looking to earn a lot, just enough to have a bit of padding on the bills so I can save some money. I don't like living check to check, I like having a bit of back up money in case of an emergency. I'm doing okay so far this month.. I have about $50 left in my bank, but that's going to go to pills on Monday. I do have to take my meds. I wish I could get some sort of health insurance to cover it, but it's not that easy. I make too much money on SSDI to get regular Medicaid, so I have to wait 2 years for Medicare. It sucks... I have almost no money, but I'm expected to pay all this stuff with less than $1000 a month in income. That's why I want to start working at the clinic. I'm sure that they would love to have me, they have made it clear, but I'm just worried about the being depended on part. Right now it's not really a problem, this is my good time of the year, but come January it normally gets bad.
That's why I wanted to go back to LA in January. I can go home and see my family, that way I don't get as homesick as I normally do at that time of year. I can be back in time for my birthday to celebrate it with Geo... and I can celebrate it early with my family in LA. This way I get the best of both worlds. I think I've pretty much made up my mind to go there in January instead of November... it would be cheaper and it would make me feel better, and I can always try and convince my brother to make a turkey in January for me. It would be easier doing that then trying to come out for Thanksgiving when I don't have the money for the trip yet, and if I wanted to start working, then going in January gives me some time to build up a reputation for being there instead of leaving after just a month or two. I was thinking of trying to start work in October, that way on my resume I have something for 2011 instead of a blank year. The last time I had a job was last November... I can't believe it's been almost a year. I've been battling so much over this past year, trying to get disability and then getting approved. I'm just worried that if I do get the job at the clinic I will mess it up somehow. Well, if I do I could always just try to go back to being a volunteer.
I'm always jumping the gun, though... I don't know how well I'm going to respond to the next couple of weeks of volunteering. I have to get through those first to see how I do. Then I want to ask my boss about seeing about getting a job there. I know they want me there, which is a good thing, but I have to be careful about how I go about doing it. I don't want to get them upset that I'm looking for a job there when I said I wanted to volunteer. Well, I did tell my boss that I wanted to get a job there eventually, so it's not like he doesn't know. I have to take it one step at a time. I have to first prove to myself that I can do 8 hours a week, and then see about getting that as a job. I just liked it so much today! I felt like a normal person again, being happy that it was Friday and all that. I just want to be better already, you know? I know I'm not, since I've been hallucinating half the time I've been typing this, but I can wish. I know depression is coming, but I just want to be normal again. I've been feeling so good these last couple of weeks that I feel like I am normal and ready to take on the world again. It's not that I'm damaged goods per se, but I'm not normal and I can't act like it and jump into things that I'm not sure I'm ready for.
Oh, I've been in baby mode again today. I don't know why, but lately I want a baby. I can't have one because of my meds, but I wish I could have a little snuggly thing in my arms, and be happy. I think it's my mind jumping the gun again, since I would have to be off my meds for a while and stable before I could become pregnant without having to worry about the safety of the baby. I don't want the kind of baby that cries in the middle of the night, and I know I don't get a say in that. I just want the good things that come with one without the bad. I think it has to be with seeing the baby up at my mom's, and seeing all the people coming into the clinic with babies and kids. I just have to get over this soon, so I don't bug the crap out of Geo with baby talk. I haven't told him I'm in baby mode yet, so he doesn't know, but I will get the face when I tell him. I just know I'm going to get the face lol.
Food was good today, I was in my calorie range. I slept okay last night, especially considering we watched a horror movie yesterday afternoon. It freaked me out last night (and probably will tonight too) and it was hard for me to get to sleep. I did get enough sleep, though, and that's what matters. Stress was low today, I had fun at work and everything seemed to be going good. I'm going to upgrade my mood, since I really did feel great today. Oh, and for those of you who were wondering, my mom was married to my dad, then they got divorced and got with my stepdad. In that 10 years, my dad died and we moved in with my stepdad. When I was 17, my mom and stepdad broke up and my mom married her current husband, Tracy. My mom's mil is Joy, mil is short for mother-in-law, sil is sister in law etc.
That's why I wanted to go back to LA in January. I can go home and see my family, that way I don't get as homesick as I normally do at that time of year. I can be back in time for my birthday to celebrate it with Geo... and I can celebrate it early with my family in LA. This way I get the best of both worlds. I think I've pretty much made up my mind to go there in January instead of November... it would be cheaper and it would make me feel better, and I can always try and convince my brother to make a turkey in January for me. It would be easier doing that then trying to come out for Thanksgiving when I don't have the money for the trip yet, and if I wanted to start working, then going in January gives me some time to build up a reputation for being there instead of leaving after just a month or two. I was thinking of trying to start work in October, that way on my resume I have something for 2011 instead of a blank year. The last time I had a job was last November... I can't believe it's been almost a year. I've been battling so much over this past year, trying to get disability and then getting approved. I'm just worried that if I do get the job at the clinic I will mess it up somehow. Well, if I do I could always just try to go back to being a volunteer.
I'm always jumping the gun, though... I don't know how well I'm going to respond to the next couple of weeks of volunteering. I have to get through those first to see how I do. Then I want to ask my boss about seeing about getting a job there. I know they want me there, which is a good thing, but I have to be careful about how I go about doing it. I don't want to get them upset that I'm looking for a job there when I said I wanted to volunteer. Well, I did tell my boss that I wanted to get a job there eventually, so it's not like he doesn't know. I have to take it one step at a time. I have to first prove to myself that I can do 8 hours a week, and then see about getting that as a job. I just liked it so much today! I felt like a normal person again, being happy that it was Friday and all that. I just want to be better already, you know? I know I'm not, since I've been hallucinating half the time I've been typing this, but I can wish. I know depression is coming, but I just want to be normal again. I've been feeling so good these last couple of weeks that I feel like I am normal and ready to take on the world again. It's not that I'm damaged goods per se, but I'm not normal and I can't act like it and jump into things that I'm not sure I'm ready for.
Oh, I've been in baby mode again today. I don't know why, but lately I want a baby. I can't have one because of my meds, but I wish I could have a little snuggly thing in my arms, and be happy. I think it's my mind jumping the gun again, since I would have to be off my meds for a while and stable before I could become pregnant without having to worry about the safety of the baby. I don't want the kind of baby that cries in the middle of the night, and I know I don't get a say in that. I just want the good things that come with one without the bad. I think it has to be with seeing the baby up at my mom's, and seeing all the people coming into the clinic with babies and kids. I just have to get over this soon, so I don't bug the crap out of Geo with baby talk. I haven't told him I'm in baby mode yet, so he doesn't know, but I will get the face when I tell him. I just know I'm going to get the face lol.
Food was good today, I was in my calorie range. I slept okay last night, especially considering we watched a horror movie yesterday afternoon. It freaked me out last night (and probably will tonight too) and it was hard for me to get to sleep. I did get enough sleep, though, and that's what matters. Stress was low today, I had fun at work and everything seemed to be going good. I'm going to upgrade my mood, since I really did feel great today. Oh, and for those of you who were wondering, my mom was married to my dad, then they got divorced and got with my stepdad. In that 10 years, my dad died and we moved in with my stepdad. When I was 17, my mom and stepdad broke up and my mom married her current husband, Tracy. My mom's mil is Joy, mil is short for mother-in-law, sil is sister in law etc.
Replies
I just knew you would have a good day voulenteering. I think the reason you are so excited to go back to work now is that it feels good to work, new, exciting, fun, when the newness wears off you may feel different, give it some time before you jump the gun and rush into anything, I am just saying you need to slow down and think things through.
it is great you had such a good day. its nice when a day at work is like that. i agree with blue toes, pace yourself and think hard before jumping ahead. great jog though and so happy your doing so ggod. that is complicated about your family, ill gtry and keep it straight.
take one thing at a time. Do the volunteering and see how it goes. Then you can see how you feel about working. of course, it\'s important to check with SSD as to how much you can make.
It\'s very sensible for you to go to LA in January.. you really thought it out.