First Entry 03-01-2016
It's been a week since my wife told me it was over. She can no longer handle me doing to the stupid shit that I do. May will make 12 years we've been married, Hopefully we still will be but it's not looking to good. I've been a horrible husband from the start cheated with countless woman for the first 6 years. We split but she took me back after some marriage counseling. I thought I would be able to change but I couldn't. Over the next six years, I only cheated one more time but I couldn't stop talking to other women or watching porn.
Some back story now, I'm a womb twin which is when you are a twin but one doesn't survive. As you can imagine I have abandonment issues. The worse part has been the feeling of being alone. My entire life I have felt alone, it doesn't matter how many friends I have or how close I get to someone, I still feel alone. The other part of that is that no matter what I do, I don't feel like I deserve anything good, some would compare it to survivor's guilt. Everything I've done in my life I have either given up on before I could reach my full potential or I completely sabotage myself, which is what I have done with my relationships.
Our marriage started out strange, we got pregnant pretty quick and decided to get married. We hadn't even told each other we loved each other. We didn't say that until I officially asked her to marry me but that was months after we had already discussed getting married. We lost the baby about a month and a half before the wedding. That hasn't been easy on me. I'm pretty sure it's hard on her as well, but we have never talked about it. Every year when it comes around, I want to talk to her about it but neither one of us can seem to talk about it.
From the start, I'm not real sure if either one of us loved the other, maybe just the idea of the other and being married. I never really felt that she loved me for me, so I never really worked that hard on my issues. After this last incident, I didn't even care, I was numb, I've been preparing myself for a divorce for over a year and thought I was ready. As we spoke, she told me how she did love me and that she was happy at one point. It hit me like a ton of bricks and I realized I had been lying to myself for 12 years and not allowing this amazing woman into my heart and now it's too late. She has nothing left to give, she has heard it all before and there is no way for her to believe what I have to say now. She says its over but staying together isn't out of the question, just that she would be stupid to stay and doesn't know how she could ever believe that I can change.
Now for my issues, obviously the cheating, watching of porn, constantly talking with other women. My problem is that I have an addiction that is caused by my feeling of being alone. First I feed the addiction with porn. Once the porn is no longer fulfilling the addiction, I start talking to women which then leads to the cheating. I have been able to stop the cheating finally, but haven't even come close to stopping the others. My main screw up was never allowing her in, If I had I wouldn't feel alone all the time. When I came to the realization that she was my other half and no longer alone, I was devastated that it took me 12 years to even consider this and now I had completely ruined everything I had with her. It hurts so bad knowing what I've done to her, I have been crying uncontrollably for two days and I've done that to myself, I can't even imagine the pain she felt when I did those things to her.
We now have 3 amazing children, 8,5, and 16 months. I want to save my family but more importantly I want to show my wife the love she has deserved from me from the start. I pray that she will find it in her heart to allow me the opportunity to show it to her. I don't think she will stay with me after all I have put her through but I am going to put everything I can into showing her my love.
Some back story now, I'm a womb twin which is when you are a twin but one doesn't survive. As you can imagine I have abandonment issues. The worse part has been the feeling of being alone. My entire life I have felt alone, it doesn't matter how many friends I have or how close I get to someone, I still feel alone. The other part of that is that no matter what I do, I don't feel like I deserve anything good, some would compare it to survivor's guilt. Everything I've done in my life I have either given up on before I could reach my full potential or I completely sabotage myself, which is what I have done with my relationships.
Our marriage started out strange, we got pregnant pretty quick and decided to get married. We hadn't even told each other we loved each other. We didn't say that until I officially asked her to marry me but that was months after we had already discussed getting married. We lost the baby about a month and a half before the wedding. That hasn't been easy on me. I'm pretty sure it's hard on her as well, but we have never talked about it. Every year when it comes around, I want to talk to her about it but neither one of us can seem to talk about it.
From the start, I'm not real sure if either one of us loved the other, maybe just the idea of the other and being married. I never really felt that she loved me for me, so I never really worked that hard on my issues. After this last incident, I didn't even care, I was numb, I've been preparing myself for a divorce for over a year and thought I was ready. As we spoke, she told me how she did love me and that she was happy at one point. It hit me like a ton of bricks and I realized I had been lying to myself for 12 years and not allowing this amazing woman into my heart and now it's too late. She has nothing left to give, she has heard it all before and there is no way for her to believe what I have to say now. She says its over but staying together isn't out of the question, just that she would be stupid to stay and doesn't know how she could ever believe that I can change.
Now for my issues, obviously the cheating, watching of porn, constantly talking with other women. My problem is that I have an addiction that is caused by my feeling of being alone. First I feed the addiction with porn. Once the porn is no longer fulfilling the addiction, I start talking to women which then leads to the cheating. I have been able to stop the cheating finally, but haven't even come close to stopping the others. My main screw up was never allowing her in, If I had I wouldn't feel alone all the time. When I came to the realization that she was my other half and no longer alone, I was devastated that it took me 12 years to even consider this and now I had completely ruined everything I had with her. It hurts so bad knowing what I've done to her, I have been crying uncontrollably for two days and I've done that to myself, I can't even imagine the pain she felt when I did those things to her.
We now have 3 amazing children, 8,5, and 16 months. I want to save my family but more importantly I want to show my wife the love she has deserved from me from the start. I pray that she will find it in her heart to allow me the opportunity to show it to her. I don't think she will stay with me after all I have put her through but I am going to put everything I can into showing her my love.
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