First dream and lingering fears
I had a dream about James last night after I posted the dream question. It was the first one I can remember. There were some nights and mornings in the first days after his death when I would wake up and feet like he had been talking to me and I woke up to hear or had just walked out of the room and I just missed seeing him.
Lately, I have been struggling with negative feelings about how our relationship was. My husband died of liver disease steming from alcoholism. We had issues to say the least. He was a highly intelligent, talented man. There were so many things he could, we could, have done that we never got to do in life. Alchohol was a drag on progress. I'm haunted by thoughts that if he were a heallthier person would he have been with me. I feel like if I had been more of what he wanted he would have been happier. I try to straighten myself out and rationalize that his disease was seperate from me- I didn't cause or contribute to it. I had/have my own struggles. I loved him the best way I could. I clung to God when things got tough and determined to uphold my end of our marriage even if I felt I was being treated unfairly. I wasn't perfect. I screamed and threatened and judged- all things I regret now.
In the end when he knew he only had weeks/months to live he was very kind and loving to everyone. He made amends where he could, gathered his family near, put on Christ in baptism and inspite of his pain and discomfort he was surprisingly happy. Many commented about the change in him.On the last night he was conscious he took too much medicine. It was in liquid form and was to be administered with a dropper and he took a drink instead. I asked him if he was trying to kill himself and he said 'no, just relax'. He implied that he had done it before but I can't remember the words he used. Or maybe I just remembered that the bottle looked less full a day or to before and I assumed it wasn't the 1st time. Anyway, I did apologize for screaming at him. Although still angry, I think my last words were 'I hope you wake up tomorrow', not really believing that he wouldn't. He didn't, and for the next 2 1/2 days he was in a coma before he died from fluid in his lungs (aspiration?). When I found him the next morning I called Hospice and upon examination he had developed a high fever in the night and his lungs had filled with fliud. I asked her about the meds and she says it was probably unrelated. I don't know if that is true.
The types of things I constantly wrestle with are thoughts of the best part of him and the worst part during life and sickness and death. I can't seem to come to a concensus. Was he right with God when he died or did he cross a line? Did he really love me for who I was or was I someone he settled for? I don't know what is true.
In my dream he was disappointed in me and he was being angry with me. It felt like I was being pushed away. I was trying to convince him that he was looking at things wrong. That I had his best interests in mind. Then we were being intimant but it still felt contentious. It had a 'happy ending'(to avoid being graphic) and I was surprised and happy with our success. Then I woke up with these terribly mixed emotions.
Dealing with all this grief feels like spiritual boot camp. I am exhausted!
Lately, I have been struggling with negative feelings about how our relationship was. My husband died of liver disease steming from alcoholism. We had issues to say the least. He was a highly intelligent, talented man. There were so many things he could, we could, have done that we never got to do in life. Alchohol was a drag on progress. I'm haunted by thoughts that if he were a heallthier person would he have been with me. I feel like if I had been more of what he wanted he would have been happier. I try to straighten myself out and rationalize that his disease was seperate from me- I didn't cause or contribute to it. I had/have my own struggles. I loved him the best way I could. I clung to God when things got tough and determined to uphold my end of our marriage even if I felt I was being treated unfairly. I wasn't perfect. I screamed and threatened and judged- all things I regret now.
In the end when he knew he only had weeks/months to live he was very kind and loving to everyone. He made amends where he could, gathered his family near, put on Christ in baptism and inspite of his pain and discomfort he was surprisingly happy. Many commented about the change in him.On the last night he was conscious he took too much medicine. It was in liquid form and was to be administered with a dropper and he took a drink instead. I asked him if he was trying to kill himself and he said 'no, just relax'. He implied that he had done it before but I can't remember the words he used. Or maybe I just remembered that the bottle looked less full a day or to before and I assumed it wasn't the 1st time. Anyway, I did apologize for screaming at him. Although still angry, I think my last words were 'I hope you wake up tomorrow', not really believing that he wouldn't. He didn't, and for the next 2 1/2 days he was in a coma before he died from fluid in his lungs (aspiration?). When I found him the next morning I called Hospice and upon examination he had developed a high fever in the night and his lungs had filled with fliud. I asked her about the meds and she says it was probably unrelated. I don't know if that is true.
The types of things I constantly wrestle with are thoughts of the best part of him and the worst part during life and sickness and death. I can't seem to come to a concensus. Was he right with God when he died or did he cross a line? Did he really love me for who I was or was I someone he settled for? I don't know what is true.
In my dream he was disappointed in me and he was being angry with me. It felt like I was being pushed away. I was trying to convince him that he was looking at things wrong. That I had his best interests in mind. Then we were being intimant but it still felt contentious. It had a 'happy ending'(to avoid being graphic) and I was surprised and happy with our success. Then I woke up with these terribly mixed emotions.
Dealing with all this grief feels like spiritual boot camp. I am exhausted!
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