First Day of the Rest of my life
You know- I'm thankful for my many blessings. I realize there are many people who have it a lot worse than me.
That being said... I remember when I used to just feel things and that was okay. Back then it was always possible for me to stop smoking weed when I wanted to. Granted- it was never easy- but it didn't feel impossible. I was thinking back to when it changed. I've had that thgought process a lot recently b/c like I've said, some days I can't look in the mirror b/c I don't even know who's staring back at me. Anyway- like most shit it my life- it's my parent's fucking fault. grrrrrrr. I really got the shaft as far as mentally healthy parents go. I can't blame my mother and father for not knowing how to act- I can't b/c their parents didn't know how to act- and their parents parents probably didn't either. It's been an endless cycle. But I wish my parents, at some point in time, would just learn to either 1. Say I don't know; 2. Admit they don't know and try to find out the answer. Either would have done fine. But no- not my fucking parents. They loudly proclaim their ignorant view points like its fucking gospel.
I remember I used to get drunk, listen to sad music and cry. Now yes- not so healthy to get drunk- but whatever- I've never really had any issue w alcohol. Anyway- the drunk part isn't the point- it's the crying part. I would go through shit in life- mostly w men- and I needed to let that pain out. Now- I knew I would get to the other end fine. I knew the pain wouldn't kill me. But my ma would see me crying and she would do really dumb shit like get all mad that I was upset, act like it was a character flaw of mine, act like I literally had a gun to my head, and she would put the bible in front of me. "When you're suffering turn to him." Now if you imagine a pleasant, compassionate voice saying that it sounds comforting and sweet- but of course, that's not how my ma sounded. She sounded angry and shrill- pissed off that I was showing emotion. My father did the same shit- just a different way- for him- he would just scream at me and say "What's wrong with you?" and act like it was a character flaw when I was upset. Oh yeah- he also made fun of me quite a bit when he would see me crying or upset.
At no point did my mother or father ever say to me, let it out- it's going to be okay. I started realizing all of this this weekend. I was listening to country music (don't listen to that often) and I heard some old songs and I cried and it felt fucking great! Like I knew I would be okay- I just felt like a human being again. So from here on out fuck the bullshit- I'm gonna be exactly who the fuck I am and if someone has a problem with that they can fucking get the FUCK out of my life.
That being said... I remember when I used to just feel things and that was okay. Back then it was always possible for me to stop smoking weed when I wanted to. Granted- it was never easy- but it didn't feel impossible. I was thinking back to when it changed. I've had that thgought process a lot recently b/c like I've said, some days I can't look in the mirror b/c I don't even know who's staring back at me. Anyway- like most shit it my life- it's my parent's fucking fault. grrrrrrr. I really got the shaft as far as mentally healthy parents go. I can't blame my mother and father for not knowing how to act- I can't b/c their parents didn't know how to act- and their parents parents probably didn't either. It's been an endless cycle. But I wish my parents, at some point in time, would just learn to either 1. Say I don't know; 2. Admit they don't know and try to find out the answer. Either would have done fine. But no- not my fucking parents. They loudly proclaim their ignorant view points like its fucking gospel.
I remember I used to get drunk, listen to sad music and cry. Now yes- not so healthy to get drunk- but whatever- I've never really had any issue w alcohol. Anyway- the drunk part isn't the point- it's the crying part. I would go through shit in life- mostly w men- and I needed to let that pain out. Now- I knew I would get to the other end fine. I knew the pain wouldn't kill me. But my ma would see me crying and she would do really dumb shit like get all mad that I was upset, act like it was a character flaw of mine, act like I literally had a gun to my head, and she would put the bible in front of me. "When you're suffering turn to him." Now if you imagine a pleasant, compassionate voice saying that it sounds comforting and sweet- but of course, that's not how my ma sounded. She sounded angry and shrill- pissed off that I was showing emotion. My father did the same shit- just a different way- for him- he would just scream at me and say "What's wrong with you?" and act like it was a character flaw when I was upset. Oh yeah- he also made fun of me quite a bit when he would see me crying or upset.
At no point did my mother or father ever say to me, let it out- it's going to be okay. I started realizing all of this this weekend. I was listening to country music (don't listen to that often) and I heard some old songs and I cried and it felt fucking great! Like I knew I would be okay- I just felt like a human being again. So from here on out fuck the bullshit- I'm gonna be exactly who the fuck I am and if someone has a problem with that they can fucking get the FUCK out of my life.
Replies
I am feeling you today. Ninety-percent of my issues are from my parents. I am coming to a realization though. As long as we live in unforgiveness, the things that happened to us can be anchors that keep us from getting healed/better. I have so much resentment towards my parents, it\'s ridiculous. But I have been digging down deep into my childhood, and I am finding out so much. My father, with whom I cannot remember ever having a meaningful conversation with, cannot remember the first 12 years of his life. The earliest things he CAN remember include his father beating his mother. My Mom, who is an emotional basket case and social retard, had to deal with my father\'s emotional breakdowns and suicide attempts when i was still a toddler. Her own father was an alcoholic and womanizer. They are both a mess!!!! The way I try to look at it is, if I can blame my parents for so much of my issues, then they can too! I am not any better/worse than they are. They are dealing the best they can, just like I am. In some weird way, it is helping me to forgive them, and that is allowing me to get better.
I absolutely agree with you on the boundaries though, there is no reason why you need anyone in your life who doesn\'t appreciate you.
Damn man- I\'m so sorry to hear about your family. That sucks. For me- I\'ve always taken everything they did to me to be my fault- its just now that I\'m starting to see how the ways that they acted affected my life. My parent\'s parents were crazy also- there was no way for my parents to know what they were doing. And although I can\'t turn the clock back- ever- once and a while I think of how different it would have been if they would have just told me it was okay to feel what I was feeling. I hear my friend tell me that he says that to his son and I hold back tears. I told my friend how amazing it is that he tells his son that and that if anyone ever told me that my life would be 100% different. But the truth of the matter is- no one did tell me that and I am who I am, where I am, and what I am- and in order to heal I have to start seeing that whatever I am is good enough. Additionally we can say it to ourselves now and I often do. It\'s okay to feel whatever it is I\'m feeling- that\'s one of my affirmations. I have to remind myself of that- daily. By far- that is the worst of my problems- feeling like there is something wrong with my feelings. I have to keep reminding myself that there isn\'t.
We\'ll get there! Thanks for your input