First Day of the Rest of my life
You know- I'm thankful for my many blessings. I realize there are many people who have it a lot worse than me.
That being said... I remember when I used to just feel things and that was okay. Back then it was always possible for me to stop smoking weed when I wanted to. Granted- it was never easy- but it didn't feel impossible. I was thinking back to when it changed. I've had that thgought process a lot recently b/c like I've said, some days I can't look in the mirror b/c I don't even know who's staring back at me. Anyway- like most shit it my life- it's my parent's fucking fault. grrrrrrr. I really got the shaft as far as mentally healthy parents go. I can't blame my mother and father for not knowing how to act- I can't b/c their parents didn't know how to act- and their parents parents probably didn't either. It's been an endless cycle. But I wish my parents, at some point in time, would just learn to either 1. Say I don't know; 2. Admit they don't know and try to find out the answer. Either would have done fine. But no- not my fucking parents. They loudly proclaim their ignorant view points like its fucking gospel.
I remember I used to get drunk, listen to sad music and cry. Now yes- not so healthy to get drunk- but whatever- I've never really had any issue w alcohol. Anyway- the drunk part isn't the point- it's the crying part. I would go through shit in life- mostly w men- and I needed to let that pain out. Now- I knew I would get to the other end fine. I knew the pain wouldn't kill me. But my ma would see me crying and she would do really dumb shit like get all mad that I was upset, act like it was a character flaw of mine, act like I literally had a gun to my head, and she would put the bible in front of me. "When you're suffering turn to him." Now if you imagine a pleasant, compassionate voice saying that it sounds comforting and sweet- but of course, that's not how my ma sounded. She sounded angry and shrill- pissed off that I was showing emotion. My father did the same shit- just a different way- for him- he would just scream at me and say "What's wrong with you?" and act like it was a character flaw when I was upset. Oh yeah- he also made fun of me quite a bit when he would see me crying or upset.
At no point did my mother or father ever say to me, let it out- it's going to be okay. I started realizing all of this this weekend. I was listening to country music (don't listen to that often) and I heard some old songs and I cried and it felt fucking great! Like I knew I would be okay- I just felt like a human being again. So from here on out fuck the bullshit- I'm gonna be exactly who the fuck I am and if someone has a problem with that they can fucking get the FUCK out of my life.
That being said... I remember when I used to just feel things and that was okay. Back then it was always possible for me to stop smoking weed when I wanted to. Granted- it was never easy- but it didn't feel impossible. I was thinking back to when it changed. I've had that thgought process a lot recently b/c like I've said, some days I can't look in the mirror b/c I don't even know who's staring back at me. Anyway- like most shit it my life- it's my parent's fucking fault. grrrrrrr. I really got the shaft as far as mentally healthy parents go. I can't blame my mother and father for not knowing how to act- I can't b/c their parents didn't know how to act- and their parents parents probably didn't either. It's been an endless cycle. But I wish my parents, at some point in time, would just learn to either 1. Say I don't know; 2. Admit they don't know and try to find out the answer. Either would have done fine. But no- not my fucking parents. They loudly proclaim their ignorant view points like its fucking gospel.
I remember I used to get drunk, listen to sad music and cry. Now yes- not so healthy to get drunk- but whatever- I've never really had any issue w alcohol. Anyway- the drunk part isn't the point- it's the crying part. I would go through shit in life- mostly w men- and I needed to let that pain out. Now- I knew I would get to the other end fine. I knew the pain wouldn't kill me. But my ma would see me crying and she would do really dumb shit like get all mad that I was upset, act like it was a character flaw of mine, act like I literally had a gun to my head, and she would put the bible in front of me. "When you're suffering turn to him." Now if you imagine a pleasant, compassionate voice saying that it sounds comforting and sweet- but of course, that's not how my ma sounded. She sounded angry and shrill- pissed off that I was showing emotion. My father did the same shit- just a different way- for him- he would just scream at me and say "What's wrong with you?" and act like it was a character flaw when I was upset. Oh yeah- he also made fun of me quite a bit when he would see me crying or upset.
At no point did my mother or father ever say to me, let it out- it's going to be okay. I started realizing all of this this weekend. I was listening to country music (don't listen to that often) and I heard some old songs and I cried and it felt fucking great! Like I knew I would be okay- I just felt like a human being again. So from here on out fuck the bullshit- I'm gonna be exactly who the fuck I am and if someone has a problem with that they can fucking get the FUCK out of my life.
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