First birthday
So Monday is my baby's birthday and I think it's gonna be bad. I just realized today that I think it's gonna be bad because I'm sitting around thinking it's gonna be bad. Does that make sense?
It doesn't have to be bad. Of course it won't be good but i think I'm building it up and building it up. Do I think it's supposed to be bad? Am I just preparing for the calls and texts and whatever because everyone thinks it's gonna be bad for me?
Oh God I don't know. Just thinking about it now I don't feel good but I don't want to intentionally (if subconsciously) make it bad.
I was thinking it might be a good day to call her parents (who I've always been very close to) and thank them for the gift they gave the world. I don't know how that will go.
My biggest regret is that last year her birthday sucked. Because of me. We just weren't in a good place financially and I was working crazy hours - and I let that be my excuse to not plan all the things I know she likes. The year before was her 50th and I made a very big deal. But doesn't matter. Her very last birthday on this earth sucked - because of me.
fuck!
It doesn't have to be bad. Of course it won't be good but i think I'm building it up and building it up. Do I think it's supposed to be bad? Am I just preparing for the calls and texts and whatever because everyone thinks it's gonna be bad for me?
Oh God I don't know. Just thinking about it now I don't feel good but I don't want to intentionally (if subconsciously) make it bad.
I was thinking it might be a good day to call her parents (who I've always been very close to) and thank them for the gift they gave the world. I don't know how that will go.
My biggest regret is that last year her birthday sucked. Because of me. We just weren't in a good place financially and I was working crazy hours - and I let that be my excuse to not plan all the things I know she likes. The year before was her 50th and I made a very big deal. But doesn't matter. Her very last birthday on this earth sucked - because of me.
fuck!
Replies
The year of firsts is so hard. For me, our wedding anniversary was the hardest one of all. With each one though, the anticipation was worse than the actual day. Be kind to yourself and forgive yourself for last year\'s birthday. Having to work is a reality that we face in our adult years, and as the years go by we often don\'t make a big deal of birthdays anymore. Who knew it would be her last? Part of the grief journey is dealing with all the regrets and what if\'s and wishing for a do-over. I guess it\'s one of the lessons we learn through this. It doesn\'t do any good to have regrets, and your wife would not want you to beat yourself up over any thing you could have done differently in the past. Yes, call her parents on her birthday! It will be a tough day for them too. They will appreciate your call. I am sorry for your loss.....but.....for all of us here it is the price we\'re paying for the love we had. Wouldn\'t trade it for the world! Hang in there. Celebrate her birthday this year!!! Aloha ~ Lori