finding my own peace of mind

I went to work today and was really struggling to find some self value. I was working diligently and looked to take

pride in that but I felt distant from the others because 'in person' I sense my illness makes me have a kind of weirdness about me. I just pushed on and got into work.

I thought about things in terms of my nature. Why I seem to have a hard time doing things, in a way, clear up to my own standard and for my own pleasure. Hard to satisfy myself. I rather do things to a standard that is set to me, that I can envision and that is about living up to someone else's expectation. Like...a job. I thought about this. I think it's kind of true and kind of isn't so cut and dry. I wondered what it meant. About me. About what lies ahead for me...in my future..

I also thought about my Dad. In the middle of doing my own job, I thought about him and thought how he so effusively supports me (I am very lucky) and he encourages me to get along in life. I thought about being in his shoes. His job, in  a way, is to make sure I am taking care of myself - out there, earning a living and taking care of life. Thinking about this

made me feel gratitude and I felt much appreciation for him. It also gave me a better sense of my own disposition in life.

I know I seem to get hung up on ideas and writing things down here in my journal. I would also like to now have the same confidence to put my sensibility and disposition to the test of creating things outside of this little digital window. :)

Doing my own thing seemed always so wrapped up in so much bs - like unworthy - and spinning. But I think I have a better sense now. A clearer true north to put it in a frame.