final thughts

Im writing these thoughts because they are clear in my head. I had a rough day and need clarity this is my only source of journaling. I may need to go back on meds. this is something I've been thinking about but has not done it or want to admit. My moods are all over the place. I need Jesus and Meds. when life is coming at me from all directions there's no turning back. I feel like im in the sea cover in blood and the sharks are coming to get me. I pray all day. really i pray all day. b 4 wrk at wrk during wrk aftr wrk on the hwy at home and b 4 I go 2 bed and I need help bad. I vent constantly w/ my friends and no one knows how to help or what to say. I have fallen and I am still laying here. LOL. I'm depressed and I'm trying to act like i'm not. thinking positive and siking myself out isn't wrking. ONE brick wall and I'm down for the count. I had to do deep breathing today after my last entry to avoid an aniexty attack at wrk. I'm a christian and should not believe that meds are needed. But I do. also I want to feel numb. I told Dorsey about my day just now and how low I felt. he could really understand how one persons words could cut me so deeply. there are power in words. a fucked word said nicely is a nice word and a nice word said fucked up is  a fucked up word. I got alot on my head and to say it out loud is too much but here I got paid on friday and broke friday afternoon. I paid all my bills and spent 60$ on fun w/ the kids. I have no gas money and transfered 100$ for food. my kids have no winter coats and my daughter need uniform pants 4 school. my oldest that catches the bus needs a better jacket, no he needs a coat and boots. I called the bills collectors to reduce my bills as much as I can. its the 1st of the month and i can't pay rent on time. i must wait 4 my next check. No over spending. I would like to get my nails and hair done but I'll wear a wig and not notice my nails. my car needs brakes and the dash broad light doesn't wrk neither does the heat. I got to go to court and need a lawyer no money for that. and w/ all that said i make too much money for a public defender. My brain is on over load. i need dish detergent. SCREAM!!!!!! as a person who is bp im making my list and im trying to knock off as much as i can. I'm a strong person w/ tough skin when i'm not weak LOL good night  and since this on DS yall Pray 4 me. not 4 my material thing but for STRENGTH.