Final Plans

My husband and I went to the funeral home yesterday and went through the process of planning our final arrangements. There was more to it than I had expected, if you plan to do it, give yourself at least 2 hours. Good news, they are willing to cremate my precious scrapbooks with me so they will be with me forever, not decaying in a landfill. It's a huge weight off my shoulders. 

We are going to try to get an appointment with the lawyer of our choice next week to write our will. Once those things are taken care of, I think I will have less to worry about...but will probably find other things to worry about.

A friend of Cassi's from high school came to visit today. Well, elementary school as well. I had some questions I wanted to ask, that I was afraid to ask before...I had learned a lot about Cassi's life after she passed that she had not shared with me and I wanted to fill in some blanks.

Her friend Dana, told me that Cassi was bullied in elementary school for her weight. There was one particular mean girl named Lindsey Middlebrooks who would call Cassi fat...she would gather her followers around, and make Cassi cry. Dana had actually punched her in the face once...Lindsey and her squad had cornered up another little girl on the playground and she was crying, and Dana just couldn't take it anymore. Cassi never told me she was being bullied, or even mistreated in any way. I suppose she wanted to shelter me from it, so she carried the pain all herself, on her little 7 year old shoulders. I can't help but wonder how much of an effect it had on her in later years. I knew Lindsey Middlebrook's mother from high school, or rather, I knew of her. She was 4 years older than me, and I wasn't even on her radar. What I remember...she was very beautiful, very tall and thin, very cruel...and very popular in that weird way that some people are popular, but are really hated at the same time. It seemed people feared her...she really wasn't well liked, but no one showed it. Whatever activities were available, she was the star of. She was editor of the yearbook her senior year, and it was basically a portfolio dedicated to her. Her classmates were angry about it, but as usual no one confronted her about it. The child learned the self-centered cruelty from her mother, obviously. I found her on facebook. I sent her a message, "Did you bully my daughter in elementary school? In case you forgot, her name was Cassi." I haven't received a response, don't know if I should. 

Cassi wasn't bullied in her later years, not that I know of anyway. She developed a tough persona and I think a lot of people were afraid of her. But I just wonder if the abuse she suffered in those early years damaged her in some way she didn't recover from. 

It hurts so bad to think about my little girl being driven to tears at school, and not telling me about it...or did she feel she couldn't tell me??? Or that I couldn't do anything about it??? I don't know if I could have, but I could have tried, and been a source of comfort for my little girl. 

I keep searching, keep digging, as we do when our children take their own lives...we want to figure it out, see where it started going wrong, where we started going wrong. It makes no sense, but I feel if I could get it all figured out I could fix it. 

If that girl contributed to my child's lack of self-esteem, she contributed to her depression, she contributed to her early exit. She deprived Cassi of a long, normal life, she deprived me and our family of Cassi, the joy she brought to us and the everlasting sadness we must now endure. She deprived me of my grandchild....of the entire future I had planned for us. I am angry...white hot, no words angry. 

Dark thoughts tonight...Maybe I am unable to see things clearly from my perspective as Cassi's loving mother...Or maybe she deserves all the dark thoughts.

It's really hard being a parent. As much as I miss, I don't think I'd choose to do it again. Our children aren't safe.