Fighting Through an Endless Darkness.....

I don't know what to even do anymore... I feel like I'm part of an always losing battle... The further I make it the harder it gets and the more pain I feel... this pain is just 2 much.... it has been for years... all I can think about is suicide.... It seems like the only hope I have left of escaping this darkness.... then I won't be able to feel this pain anymore.... I keep crying and afterwards I don't feel better.... I end up hating life even more and hating everyone around me.... even if I don't know someone all I can think about is the darkness inside the hearts of people and it makes me hate everyone and everything.... The only good things that I don't hate is animals like dogs or cats because they are easy to talk problems out with (as crazy as that sounds) and they make the best companions.... (hence the reason I'm an animal person)... and well, idk what 2 do anymore, the PTSD kills me.... nightmares almost every night... sleep is the only break I get from this cold world and now even that is taken away from me.... it's like I'm being tested to see how easy it is to break me... the sleeping pills I'm on (seroquil or however u spell it) don't even take my nightmares away like they r supposed 2.... it just makes me feel so heavy on the inside.... and I'm ready to just give up.... I just don't want this pain to continue.... I just wanna find a way to kill myself with the least amount of pain but is also quick.... I don't have a gun at my dads so I can't do that.... there is 1 at my moms house just lying near the front door un-guarded but I don't even know if it's loaded.... so I don't know if it's an option or not.... and I just don't know... I feel so much pain.... I just don't know anymore.... at home I get blamed for the smallest things and yet they wonder why I get angry and upset a lot at them..... and then my step sister causes a lot of shit at home... the way it works is... if we say shit 2 her that's mean or hurtful (even if it's the truth that she needs to hear) or if we tell her what she is doing wrong so she learns to do it right she goes running to her mom and wines like a baby... and then when she does it 2 us we r expected to just sit there and take her shit.... like honestly.... it's stupid.... she is the pampered little baby and we r stuck in a position where we can't do anything... and well, my mom was never much of a mother.... she pretty much abandoned me through some of the darkest years of my life.... yesterday hurt like hell.... I broke up with my girlfriend because I felt worthless and like I didn't even deserve her.... and I felt like I was ruining her life because I blamed myself for her taking those pills to try and kill herself so I wanted her life to be better.... but it just hurt her more and now I don't know what to even do..... it all hurts so much... and then when I log onto facebook I feel worse because I realize it's my best friend Jay's birthday... and if u read my life story u would know that Jay killed himself in 2011 so that's why it was so hard to see his birthday... I just feel like I'm falling apart and it's tearing me apart piece by piece so I don't know what to do anymore... :'(