fighting invisibility. fighting chaos.

ground beef and finely diced sweet onion sizzling in the pan.  water about to boil for the mushroom ravioli.  managed to pop the top off the prego sauce.......so far so good.

a hard day mentally.  feeling low, fighting off this feeling that i'm invisible, that i have little to no life.  that it's all my fault and if not all my fault then the fault of all the friends who desert sick people.  all mixed up and pushing away the sad that is choking my bones.

don't be like this little sparrow.  don't.......just don't.

debbie quit immediately after she had a nervous breakdown at the lake, got really ugly with me and the world at large......wish with all my heart that i hadn't gone.  it was rough........really rough.  trying to sort that out in my head.......and like everything else let it go.

find a new housekeeper is on the list.  ugh.  i'm not heartless at all, just in need of the help, it's already been 8 weeks since she last came to clean.  she had to change things around........

part of me feels just as sorry as can be for her, part of me wants an apology........she turned on me as i was the only one right there for her to turn on, she was scary.  even if she apologised i still wouldn't feel comfortable having her back in my home.......which is just another whole level of sad. 

she cursed other races in words that made me cringe and cry.  she tore me up one side and down the other for having faith in people/for not hating others the way she does ( or only does during a manic high?)......not sure really.  she doused me in black ashes for having faith in the world still.......she flipped me and the world the bird not once but twice during her final tirade at the lake.  i don't know, i grew up with mental illness in my home, but you never never get used to it.........at the heart of it i am a vulnerable person with a brain yet lacking the ability to run far and fast.......i don't want to be in a difficult dangerous situation, who would?

i have a heart for the mentally ill.....my momma, my sister........it's very hard.  debbie also lost it cause she said if i really cared anything about her i would uproot that minute, go out of state with her and help her establish her new life, be her new best friend and so on and so forth.  with out asking any questions, to be this suddenly loyal person who would just vacate and vanish without question......does that sound reasonable to anyone?  to leave my home, my kids and run away to a place i have not chosen, a place where i know no one?  as if i have the physicality to just run forest run.......

at present she has left her husband with the help of gathering up some immediate items from her home supervised by a sheriff......she fled to a longtime friends home, she plans on going to Florida....as soon as possible.  To stay with a relative she has neither seen or talked too in some twenty years.  She scares me..........but anything I said she met with hostility.  I remained calm no matter what she said.........at one point she told me that if I went to certain churches in our area I would get my throat slit upon entering.........she pitied me becuase I didn't believe her.  She tore me up because I didn't believe her, I never raised my voice no matter what she said or did..........which seemed to leave her helpless with her anger......but still turned against me.

She left and then took herself to the hospital for care for her bad flu, she says they diagnosed her with COPD and Asthma, this may all be perfectly true or then again did she really go?  I just don't know anymore........I would have taken her, I expressed repeated concern/worry for her, she was coughing so hard, barely sleeping.........she wouldn't allow me to help her......later said her kids refused to help her, and HAD to drive herself.  Knowing full good and well I could have taken her.........no winning in this situation.

I can't make her get in my car.......I feel guilt and relief and worry and hurt and sorrow and mess.  a lot of mess..........I talked to Sam about it.......

today is the beginning of the 62nd year of my life.......and i have no cake.  tomorrow will be better, it has to be.

I was trying to help her make a reasonable plan of exit.......and this only served to fuel the fire......she called me once more to tell me she quit and that she had no time to talk to me.  I'm scared for her, I did contact our pastor and asked him to reach out to her.......he said he had missed both of her calls, so perhaps he can get her to talk reasonably?  praying for her and for my self too........sorry i'm wound up and worried.......turn it over to God little sparrow........turn it over to Him and Let it Go.