felt like giving up...
I'm so frustrated with myself as I continue to break promises to myself and do the things I know are wrong. I don't understand - I'm ready for some serious counseling. It seems I do well for a while and then go on the roller coaster again, despite the fact that when I'm not gambling I KNOW life is better, my relationships improve and overall I just feel good about myself and my life... Right now I'm feeling very bad again, sneaky, deceitful, and dishonest since I feel I have to hide what I do. This is the hardest challenge ever - - -I'm so sick of it, and sick of the me that does it. Even though it's the holidays and I'm trying to pick myself up and be cheery, it's difficult because I don't feel like a good person. It seems this other person takes over and none of it makes logical sense. I've been struggling with this long enough to know the answers - I understand it but at times it feels impossible to overcome. Just venting - I know what to do. . . . and today - just for today - I will not gamble.Thanks for listening,Smokeygirl
Replies
I know just how you feel....I didn\'t like myself gambling....felt ashamed, felt disgusted with myself. Please realize none of us are perfect. We don\'t have to be perfect to be good people! If you weren\'t a good person, you wouldn\'t CARE about being deceitful, it wouldn\'t bother you!!!! Please forgive yourself first, and realize you are a beautiful person who is struggling...and you will find your way, one little day at a time.
Hugs, Dianne
You are a good person with a bad addiction! Just because we are gamblers doesn\'t mean we are bad people. It is a struggle, it\'s a consent fight on our behalf. It is something we have live with and fight everyday of our life. Like Dianne said, forgive yourself! Once you forgive yourself you can move on. Just take it one day, one hour, one minute at a time. We are all here for you to lean on. I myself have had many slips. I slip just one day before my 14th month anniversary. You can do this, you can get that person you like back. Just fight for her! Take my hand I\'ll walk this walk with you... Peace and Love. Patty
Thank you all for your kind words and understanding. Having been there makes all the difference - we all know the feelings . . . ugh.
It was funny - I couldn\'t sleep last night for a while and came to my computer to find the two messages from Dianne and Eastwester . . . they made me cry, actually; I held one of my cats who always hops up when I\'m at the computer . . . I was then able to go to sleep and sleep all the way through. I so appreciated it. Thank you Patty too- for your words of encouragement... I\'m already feeling a little better - thanks so much,
Smokeygirl
hi smokey....I am here today reading posts, and am glad to read yours as always. I always need a dose of reality thrown in with my eternal negativity. One of the hardest lessons for me was about something you mention-feeling like a bad person...i felt entitled to gamble..would rationalize about how good of a person I was...all the good stuff I did for others....how hard I worked....how much I accomplished...and that lead to a skewed mind set of thinking it was perfectly OK to gamble hard earned money, whether mine or not. For me, coming to realize I\'m not that good person i envisioned, but rather that I lived a lie, a deceitful existence, both inside my mind and for others to view from the outside...well, let me say it was life changing. It\'s hard to come to terms with what a low life I had become. Like Patty said, I have to forgive myself...some days I can, most I can\'t. It lead me to places I never wanted to be.
I digress...but am truly glad you are here...and I wish you and your family a happy healthy New Year!!
love and hugs, Brigette
Thanks for writing this journal SG, I am so relating to what you have to say. I know what to do, somewhat how to do it, I just dont do it. And I feel like *insert bad word here* for the actions that I take or \"not take\" to work on recovery. I have my computer back, so I will start journaling AGAIN with you. A journey down the right path.