Fell off my bandwagon

I feel pathetic... I am strong and yet I feel so inadequate and wonder why I can't pull my head out of this.  I was doing good reducing the exercise but each week I added a little more and more exercise and the 1-2 lbs I gained, are off again.  Yet, part of me is happy that I am back down... 1-2 lbs, why does that even matter?  The numbers don't really mean a thing but why do they seem so big to me?  I have really wanted to break down and blurt out that I am struggleing, but I just can't bring up the words.  I can't even cry about it when I am alone.  I want to explode but nothing will come out.  One minute I look in the mirror and I love the way I look and the next I am noticing someone looking at me as if I am ill.  I have had people ask me if I have cancer.  I show them my bulging biceps and tell them that if I was ill, I couldn't have so much muscle.  This I also tell myself to make excuses that I must be healthy since I am so ripped.  I also spotted one day this week.  This is the first sign of my "period" since Sept.  But I try to downplay it as I don't think it really is a sign of health when I still weight 97.6 lbs.  Maybe it's all the veggies I have been eating.  I really do eat clean, healthy food.  It's the junk that I chew and spit all day.  I want to see a therapist but I can't afford one.  I also know that when I do talk to anyone, I will just downplay my problems and get on my "I can conquor anything" speech and sound so optimistic and positive that I don't sound like I have a problem. 
I can't even write anymore right now...