feelings cant be ignored
I feel so quiet. And somber. I feel empty at times. I feel lost even though I have direction and purpose. I feel like life moved very quickly and is finally slowing down. In one year I lost my father and husband and 2 of my kids moved out with their girlfriends. Fasts forward another year and I'm a soon to be grandma to 2.
I feel the loss. The loss of my father. The loss of my husband. The loss of being the most important woman in my sons' lives. The loss of activity around the house. The loss of support.
I feel the loss as a noun but also as a feeling. The feeling rocked me to the core. It changed who I am. It changed my role in life. What do I become? A taker. A griever. An isolator from the world. Gone are the days of building friendships in my community. Gone is the girl who led others to God. Gone is the perfectionist mother/ wife/ house keeper/ home owner. The innocence of life, changed.
The caring feeling quietly emerges occasionally and takes me by the hand. She leads me to love what I do have left. I feel her. Her presence is gentle. She stays long enough to help me make it. Ienjoy that feeling. Too many days i faced her with fear. "Don't care because it will be gone." She found her way to me anyway.
I feel Confidence that I can make decisions and take care of myself.
I feel the quiet and the losses mentioned above. And I kind of enjoy it because it means that nothing else has changed. I can sit for a moment and ponder my life. As it is. I'm a grandma. My house is still standing. Im healthy. Im a mom to a very beautiful teenager girl.
I can feel these feelings all at once. Being human is amazingly complex. High and low feelings all mixed together to create one beautiful heart. Scarred, beating, healing and feeling.
And I know that I can experience tremendous loss and do more than survive. I can flourish and thrive. I can still love. I can feel. And for that, I feel eternally grateful to God.
I feel the loss. The loss of my father. The loss of my husband. The loss of being the most important woman in my sons' lives. The loss of activity around the house. The loss of support.
I feel the loss as a noun but also as a feeling. The feeling rocked me to the core. It changed who I am. It changed my role in life. What do I become? A taker. A griever. An isolator from the world. Gone are the days of building friendships in my community. Gone is the girl who led others to God. Gone is the perfectionist mother/ wife/ house keeper/ home owner. The innocence of life, changed.
The caring feeling quietly emerges occasionally and takes me by the hand. She leads me to love what I do have left. I feel her. Her presence is gentle. She stays long enough to help me make it. Ienjoy that feeling. Too many days i faced her with fear. "Don't care because it will be gone." She found her way to me anyway.
I feel Confidence that I can make decisions and take care of myself.
I feel the quiet and the losses mentioned above. And I kind of enjoy it because it means that nothing else has changed. I can sit for a moment and ponder my life. As it is. I'm a grandma. My house is still standing. Im healthy. Im a mom to a very beautiful teenager girl.
I can feel these feelings all at once. Being human is amazingly complex. High and low feelings all mixed together to create one beautiful heart. Scarred, beating, healing and feeling.
And I know that I can experience tremendous loss and do more than survive. I can flourish and thrive. I can still love. I can feel. And for that, I feel eternally grateful to God.
Replies