Feelings.

Meditation for today: I will not supress my feelings. Whatever my feelings are I will allow them, I will feel them, I will name them and give myself the attention I deserve. Feelings are sometimes attached to an under the surface need. So today what am I feeling?

I am feeling on edge. This whole coronavirus is scary. I feel afraid. Mostly because as much as I have complained in the last year about my life id like to live. I think that things can get better. I feel optomistic. Despite that contrast that happens in my life. I enjoy my attachments. There are string attached here on  earth -- i feel a lot of people feel that way. I feel anxious. The god a pray to, I hope he is good. I imagine he is there and would be there for me or anyone who gets sick or something happens to them. With all this going on it makes you think that way you know. 
I feel sad because I would miss my cat. My mom. nik. My neices. I dont know --- its all worry. Worry comes from ruminating in order to feel a sense of control. I use to do that alot when I was little when I felt out of control. I would ruminate alot in order to plan for worse case scenerious so i didn't have to deal with the feelings of lonieness and unease. Today Though I do feel that I am equipped with alot of tools to keep me distracted in a positive way. Journaling is such a good outlet for me. Making todo lists too. Such a help. I talked to a girl from alannon and it put things in persepective -- i felt a sense of accomplishment in myself when she asked me how do you get through rejection? I said -- I make lists, i listen to inspirational videos, I say affirmations, I journal, I stretch and i keep getting up and I keep trynig even after I take a step back and sleep in or get angry. I try again. I feel stronger in situations like this where we are stuch by ourselves and bored and dont know what to do. I've been dealing with lonlieness and isolation for a while -- its like i've prepared for this. It doesn't make it any less sad, and the reality still gives me anxiety. I just realized I have been preparing myself for times when I have to enterain myself. I've been doing that for so long. Remembering that all I need it myself to get me started and that I can find support if I look for it. I can get my needs met. If I try. And praying helps to. So i guess I feel a little uplifted, a little guarded in my relationship, but to be honest right now a little more in control of my feelings today. I got mad at my partner last night -- and a little this morning -- not being able to resist doing things that i know only add fuel to my insecurities. To my triggers but Im trying to let those go. I also feel worried about my partners recovery but ive been trying to wrap him in a blanket and hand him over to god. And know that whatever insecurities get triggered in me i can work to soothe them everytime I feel triggered to feel neglected, worthless, not good enough.