feeling very very grateful
I wrote this earlier today but it's really helping me.
When I started work today - I was raw and lonely
and just feeling like the layers of who I thought I was are
coming away and who I might actually be is starting to show itself to me...
So, though raw and lonely I decided
to start I needed to have faith that the work would engage me and get me going well
with the day! I reached out by text to my sister and niece and then also
with my brother...(posted on DS too) then the work began!
work went so so today.
I did good thorough work - and that made the day a success
but socially in terms of socializing I felt just that I've been leaning
towards letting my guard down a little bit more, partially from, because
I can't seem to hold it together and don't know what else I can do..I kind of got silly
and that is ok to some but not to others..
The good thing is
I feel like I am starting to show others and myself more consideration, rather than just be really exacting on them or myself and that's showing
me some eye opening things.
I really need to find another job..
But I am very grateful for this job too.
As I drove home my mind splayed open with all the worry
and weary dissonance and just splintering from my day - but
I knew to keep it 'relative' and take it one step at a time - things would
transition..
I thought about 'how I relate to myself?' as I drove home
and very much I felt in the 'definition of my work' at the outset and saw that -
but then I thought about the monastery - and how
I am part of that too. It felt good to have that monastery family behind me...being out
there on a canyon road somewhere in Los Angeles...
It also lead me to the idea of finding 'my tribe' that my doc had mentioned and it
came front and center. It showed me how I was reaching for association
and I hadn't known that before...
I'm now home and becoming very much a part of my life
again - with Blue and also strangely experiencing
the balance of being part of the furnishing. I know that sounds
weird but that aspect of myself can be so unconscious at times when alone -
to have that very considerate and careful sense of things around me and grace- I can't explain it
so well. It's how I interrelate when alone.
I wondered while at work that maybe I am too vain -
but I am thinking of my time alone and now - and reminding myself to be vain
rather than 'not be or care' so much which seems to happen when I'm alone.
I am definitely coming to see that folks definitely know themselves through
association in part...I have gravitated towards and have chosen things and people that I associate to know myself
as I see others do too in life. I feel the permission to write about this all - and I am
extremely grateful.
I hope you guys have a wonderful weekend!
Replies
"....how I interrelate when alone."... Just revisiting this part of the journal..
I've wracking my brains with similiar issues - and trying to make sense of myself,
and life...and I think that keeping things in the context that we're all taking care of our lives
and struggling with our humanity and being self responsible is a way
to relieve the pressure of being of thoughts of the only one who is struggling while trying to get their
work done.
one of the easiest places for me to find gentle, compassionate humor in my mental health challenges is in the vanity of my social anxiety. i'm so important that all eyes will be on me and all the gossip columnists will be writing about my funky hairstyle. . . my mind reading and soothsaying skills are so acute that i even know what all those people are going to say and think.
i am grateful for the awareness which lets me crack jokes instead of running and/or hiding in the faith that i really **do** know.
thanks arfie. that's great. my brother 'swears by' being able to laugh at himself.
I'm getting there.! :)
Humor is also how I lighten up my own mood about myself and the things I did or did not accomplish. It’s really my survival mechanism. It’s even how I poke my own self in therapy. Keeps it real.
Go on out there and love yourself enough to know that others are lucky duckies to know you, but worthy of the truest part of you and how you navigate among the truest part of others. That’s hard to do in an online journal, but in real life? It’s out there to discover.
Here’s to a good weekend!
Thanks Nikki! Happy Weekend!!