Feeling used and Manipulated
I am copying and pasting this from the board, so I don't lose it:
I have been avoiding posting here because I feel like a hypocrite. I went back to my ex. There I said it... Whew! You have no idea how hard it is for me to write that. Then again, maybe you do, because we all have been in the same boat and know just how smooth and seductive these guys can be. How hard they can TRY, especially when you don't want them to. I don't know what is wrong with me. It is like I am brain-washed or something. After years of systemic abuse, I think I have become used to being treated this way. My relative definition of being treated 'good' is like being treated 'normal' to other people. I have not firmly committed to coming back, or even 'seeing' each other again. He knows I have one foot out the door and it is making him increasingly uncomfortable. This is no longer a game to him, it has taken on a heavy weight. He seems emotionally invested in doing what he can to make me stay. He suckered me back in with repeated attempts at 'just being friends' and contacting me (despite my efforts to block him, ect). He had me over the other night for a glass of wine and to talk. When he kept bringing up our relationship, in a circular, round-about, never answering or really saying anything way that these guys seem especially proficient at, I got fed up and snorted. :What?' he asked. 'Nothing. Let's just be honest here, you are either going to marry me or we are going to be the kind of friends that meet once in a blue moon for a cup of coffee!' After saying that, it was like I had unwittingly laid on my cards on the table. He knew I was no longer going to just stick around, so he up'ed the ante. This week was his daughter's birthday. He invited me over last night to celebrate with his parents, his niece and his daughter. As his girlfriend. This has long been a sticking point between us. He didn't want me to have access to his daughter, at least not enough for us to get close. I always felt it was because he had something to hide or was ashamed of me. It felt horrible. In all fairness, he was going through a contentious divorce (gee, I wonder why) and was worried that being opening involved with a much younger woman would look bad and aggravate his ex-wife. His parents are difficult people, so I declined joining them for dinner politely. He made me feel guilty for saying no, after making such a big fuss in the past about not being acknowledged as a substantial part of his life, so I agreed to come over after his parents left. He made it clear that he wanted me to stay the night, and that his daughter was made aware of the significance of our relationship. I still have not agreed to be with this man, fyi. None of this was told to me until I was at his house. His house is small enough that his daughter and his niece could have heard us arguing, putting me in an uncomfortable situation where I didn't feel like I could say no or tell him about how I felt about announcing that I am a significant person in his life, have been for five years and that I am not going anywhere. Even just writing this makes me want to cry!!! I have been wanting some kind of public acknowledgement of being his SO for so long, and now here it is and I feel like it is dirty and tainted and everything bad in the whole wide world. I know I am being dramatic and I don't even care!! I gave this man five years of my life, and now as I am beginning to start my life over, all of a sudden now I am worthy?!?! Wtf? Excuse my language. I am in emotional turmoil, and losing my cool. Anyhow, I ended up spending the night. I didn't feel like there was a way for me to discreetly leave without causing a scene and ruining his daughter's birthday celebration. I also wanted to relish in finally being the 'chosen one', to be completely honest. I know he is no good for me. I know I need to stay away. But I keep losing ground and don't know how to stop it. I don't even feel like I can tell him that I am leaving him because I have said that before and eventually have come back. I feel like he wouldn't believe me. I also feel resentful that I should have to end things with someone I am not even dating!! Please help me!
I have been avoiding posting here because I feel like a hypocrite. I went back to my ex. There I said it... Whew! You have no idea how hard it is for me to write that. Then again, maybe you do, because we all have been in the same boat and know just how smooth and seductive these guys can be. How hard they can TRY, especially when you don't want them to. I don't know what is wrong with me. It is like I am brain-washed or something. After years of systemic abuse, I think I have become used to being treated this way. My relative definition of being treated 'good' is like being treated 'normal' to other people. I have not firmly committed to coming back, or even 'seeing' each other again. He knows I have one foot out the door and it is making him increasingly uncomfortable. This is no longer a game to him, it has taken on a heavy weight. He seems emotionally invested in doing what he can to make me stay. He suckered me back in with repeated attempts at 'just being friends' and contacting me (despite my efforts to block him, ect). He had me over the other night for a glass of wine and to talk. When he kept bringing up our relationship, in a circular, round-about, never answering or really saying anything way that these guys seem especially proficient at, I got fed up and snorted. :What?' he asked. 'Nothing. Let's just be honest here, you are either going to marry me or we are going to be the kind of friends that meet once in a blue moon for a cup of coffee!' After saying that, it was like I had unwittingly laid on my cards on the table. He knew I was no longer going to just stick around, so he up'ed the ante. This week was his daughter's birthday. He invited me over last night to celebrate with his parents, his niece and his daughter. As his girlfriend. This has long been a sticking point between us. He didn't want me to have access to his daughter, at least not enough for us to get close. I always felt it was because he had something to hide or was ashamed of me. It felt horrible. In all fairness, he was going through a contentious divorce (gee, I wonder why) and was worried that being opening involved with a much younger woman would look bad and aggravate his ex-wife. His parents are difficult people, so I declined joining them for dinner politely. He made me feel guilty for saying no, after making such a big fuss in the past about not being acknowledged as a substantial part of his life, so I agreed to come over after his parents left. He made it clear that he wanted me to stay the night, and that his daughter was made aware of the significance of our relationship. I still have not agreed to be with this man, fyi. None of this was told to me until I was at his house. His house is small enough that his daughter and his niece could have heard us arguing, putting me in an uncomfortable situation where I didn't feel like I could say no or tell him about how I felt about announcing that I am a significant person in his life, have been for five years and that I am not going anywhere. Even just writing this makes me want to cry!!! I have been wanting some kind of public acknowledgement of being his SO for so long, and now here it is and I feel like it is dirty and tainted and everything bad in the whole wide world. I know I am being dramatic and I don't even care!! I gave this man five years of my life, and now as I am beginning to start my life over, all of a sudden now I am worthy?!?! Wtf? Excuse my language. I am in emotional turmoil, and losing my cool. Anyhow, I ended up spending the night. I didn't feel like there was a way for me to discreetly leave without causing a scene and ruining his daughter's birthday celebration. I also wanted to relish in finally being the 'chosen one', to be completely honest. I know he is no good for me. I know I need to stay away. But I keep losing ground and don't know how to stop it. I don't even feel like I can tell him that I am leaving him because I have said that before and eventually have come back. I feel like he wouldn't believe me. I also feel resentful that I should have to end things with someone I am not even dating!! Please help me!
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