Feeling torn apart.

Between the Eating Disorder Support Group and seeing my regular tdoc i feel as if i am being torn apart. i guess I see this as being for the ultimate good but i am scared. Panic attacks at night. They really got going after the  misunderstanding between myself and tdoc. I think that is mostly worked out now but it triggered the hell out of me.
I have realized that I use food to soothe as well as to keep people away. So many things I won't do because of my weight. My weight keeps me safe. I can depend on food. it never disappoint me. never lets me down. it is always there. I really understood this to be true tonight. I was planning on stopping at the store after the eating disorder group. i felt i needed to binge. All the way there i was planning what i would eat. It has been a craptastic couple of weeks made worse by events of the last couple of days. The meeting was a good one and by the time I left I didn't want to binge. But I had to. I couldn't let it go. I felt better and I had relied on people to help me so it was good. I still had to binge. it was like a back up plan. 2 layers of protection. It felt so horrible to binge. usually I feel an immediate response of  being soothed even though it is usually followed by guilt. Tonight I forced myself to binge. What the hell is up with that?????

I really need to get some of the weight off for health reasons. It is so important and I am so afraid of failing. How can I want something so badly yet be unable to succeed?
It has just been so hard. So many things running through my mind. Realizing for the first time that i need to go back and look at the sexual abuse and see what happened and feel what happened then take care of that hurt little girl instead of continually invalidating her.  I need to understand that i will be just fine without binging. i will be fine without the extra weight. It is ok to feel stuff....even bad stuff. I need to remember that it is ok to ask for help.
I need to know tdoc is in this with me no matter what. i need to know he will be there even if I get upset with him. I need to know that he will help me work through shit.  I have never let anyone in the way I have let him in. I doubt he knows that. I will only speak 3 words when there is a novel going on inside of me. Nonetheless, I have said some really hard bits and pieces. I have invested and I want to work through screw ups instead of starting over again with  someone new.
In other news....I think I broke the tip of my pinky toe. Kinda, sorta , maybe on purpose. I had one of those rubber toe separater thingies between my toes while I was painting my nails and when I went to pull it out it stuck. It was wedged pretty tightly in between my pinky and the next toe. I just kept pulling on the rubber thingy. I felt it pulling hard on my toe and hurting. Instead of stopping I yanked harder. It didn't budge so I yanked more. I felt a pop and there was a small crack. I gave it one more sharp yank and the rubber thingy came loose. Pinky toe is swollen and painful. I can bend it but it hurts and kind of turns in when I bend it. I wiggle it and bend it every so often so I can feel the pain.