Feeling suicidal... (possibly triggering?)

Everyone expects me to be okay. To suck it and just deal with everything. And I know i should.. I know i should be stronger.. But I keep getting put into situation after situation that beat me down.. my family puts me in the these situations where I have to go against everything I stand for. Everything that makes me who I am.... and I HATE it... I hate knowing I'm just as terrible as every toxic person in my life... I love my family, but I also know having some of the people I love soo much in my life is going to be what destroys me in the end.. I won't be here forever... One day I won't be able to hold on and try to be stronger.. One day, I will finally reach my breaking point.. And then maybe I'll actually mean something to all of these people who "care so much".. I'm hanging on by a thread.. I feel like at any moment I'm going to completely fall apart... And there won't be any way of hiding this time... I'm just praying that it is not within the next couple of days.. I don't want to ruin anyone's holiday... But I don't know if i will be able to make it through the next few days with my family.. I just want to stay in bed for a week and not speak to anyone... I've spent most of my time away from my family In tears tonight.. Hell I went downstairs to pee and ended up with attitude and a lecture from my mom and sister.. I'm just done... I'm done being the terrible daughter/friend/sister/girlfriend/ect... All I can think about is cutting or stealing my dad pistol and just ending it all.. It's obvious this is all I will ever be... The rotten egg.. The mistake.. Nothing... my life is literally pointless... There is NO reason for me to ever be alive other than the expense of me dying, upsetting the kids, or not knowing what will happen to my animals if I'm gone.. No one needs me.. No one really wants me.. I'm just here wasting oxygen,  time, food and money... Everything would be sooo much better if I just got it over with.... And yet here I am.. All because I have yet to be able to make myself follow through... Maybe I'm just too weak.. I just want this feeling to go away...