feeling sorry for myself

Today was a rough day. I woke up hurting all over and had to go sit with my mom for a couple of hours. Turned into about 4 hours which was no biggie. I did ok on my eating during the day, but I have been out of my meds for 2 days and I was feeling really fatigued and my heart was doing alot of fluttering, so I laid in bed for quite a while. After I picked up my grandbabies I went to walmart. I had waited all day because I really didn't feel like going in and I thought my son was getting out of detention today. As it turned out he's not getting out for another week, so I had to go into walmart RX myself. Waited an hour and a half for med, then found out they were over $100. and I had only budgeted $40. So some other bill won't get paid this month. I was getting that kind of hunger that's not physical but you just feel a need to eat, than after a bit I became physically hungry which in my mind turned to being ravenous. I could sit for a bit and think it through and when I was able to actually feel the physical hunger I wasn't really that hungry, but the ravenous feeling wouldn't go away. I also hadn't drank today so I was a bit dehydrated too.  Walmart is about 30 miles from my house so I knew I would be way to hungry and tired if I waited that long, so I went to KFC. I got the grilled chicken meal. I wasn't going to eat the biscuit. In fact she asked me if I wanted butter and honey and I said no. After all these years of asking for butter and honey and never actually getting it, now I tell them no and lo and behold I get butter and honey. Needless to say, I ate everything. Even had a soda. I was physically full before I finished the second piece of chicken, but no I had to finish it. Still, I really wanted to eat more. I really had to battle to not turn into McD's and get the cinnabuns.  I really started feeling sorry for myself. Why can't I eat 2 cheeseburgers, fries, and cinnabuns if I want to? Why do I always have this constant battle going on inside me? Then I started thinking over my life and thinking about the times when I have gained the most weight. It occurred to me that the times I have gained weight has been when I wasn't even in the fight, not when I'm battling. I have plauteaued during a struggle, but I haven't gained, except for a pound or two that quickly came off the next week. So moral of the story, I guess as long as I'm still fighting, I'm doing o.k. I might lose a few battles, sometimes more than I win I think, but as long as I'm still hanging in there and care about what I eat I will not gain and lose total control again. After a while the urge to eat did go away, so this is kind of a win-lose day. I over did it on the KFC (shouldn't have gone there in the first place), but I didn't go get a cheeseburger, fries, and cinnabuns like I truly wanted to do.