Feeling So Bad
Hi Sisters,
I have been feeling so bad lately. I know it's to be expected and it's something we all have to deal with...but gosh, it is so bad lately.
I didn't just lose my baby, I lost the life I had. I guess it wasn't necessarily that great in some ways, but it was my life. I hated my job, but I made a lot more money than I do now and I had gotten very spoiled. I had so many friends...I have lost so many friends. I have lost my best friend, the person I called first...when I got the news.
Friends were not even that important back then. I had Cassi, my best friend, the center of my universe that I revolved around. Everyone else just didn't matter so much. Now that I really need them they have left me, some I don't even know why. I have swallowed my pride, I have begged, to no avail. The fact is, no one understands who I am anymore. I guess I scare people, I am living proof nightmares come true.
I have changed physically and not in a good way. I have gained so much weight, so many gray hairs, so many wrinkles...Grief is hell on your body and face. I don't mean to sound shallow, but it matters. It makes me feel even worse about myself, the person I have become.
I miss her. I missed the life I had and took for granted. Most of all, I miss her...I am never getting over it.
I am so sad and lonely.
I have been feeling so bad lately. I know it's to be expected and it's something we all have to deal with...but gosh, it is so bad lately.
I didn't just lose my baby, I lost the life I had. I guess it wasn't necessarily that great in some ways, but it was my life. I hated my job, but I made a lot more money than I do now and I had gotten very spoiled. I had so many friends...I have lost so many friends. I have lost my best friend, the person I called first...when I got the news.
Friends were not even that important back then. I had Cassi, my best friend, the center of my universe that I revolved around. Everyone else just didn't matter so much. Now that I really need them they have left me, some I don't even know why. I have swallowed my pride, I have begged, to no avail. The fact is, no one understands who I am anymore. I guess I scare people, I am living proof nightmares come true.
I have changed physically and not in a good way. I have gained so much weight, so many gray hairs, so many wrinkles...Grief is hell on your body and face. I don't mean to sound shallow, but it matters. It makes me feel even worse about myself, the person I have become.
I miss her. I missed the life I had and took for granted. Most of all, I miss her...I am never getting over it.
I am so sad and lonely.
Replies
I could\'ve written this almost word for word. When Jason died, I lost my life. As naive as I was, I assumed that people would\'ve circled around my daughter Chase and I but they didn\'t. My assumption is that especially myself, am a walking, breathing example of their worst nightmare and they are afraid that it might be contagious.
You are also correct with the physical impact of this sort of grief. I too don\'t recognize the person staring back at me in the mirror. I am reminded that there is no way that an emotional, life altering shock to our bodies and souls would not have an impact on us physically.
I had very few friends before Jason died. After, I have even fewer. Two years into this journey and I am realizing that in order to carry on, I am going to have to come to terms with this as fact. I am not strong enough to change how I am perceived by people so I can only look inward and do my best to provide me with what the outside world isn\'t prepared to.
No dear, you will never \"get over it\". It is as real as your finger prints. It is your truth. Be kind to you in the face of all the people that abandoned you when you needed them most. They do not understand, and how could they, but it is not your job to teach them. It is your job to look after you.
I have also discovered that my one friend who has stuck with me now doesn\'t want to talk about \"it\" and now I am trying to come to terms with the silence.
One breath at a time. Be gentle, be kind and be ever so easy on YOU!
tightest of (((hugs)))
Merrilee
All that you write is so true Gina. Everything is different. My friends have dropped by the wayside too. I used to be the funny one..the one they went to when they were down. People just want me back to normal...never gonna happen people...the good news is, the friends we get now are keepers. Praying for you, Lauri
It is good to get these thoughts and feelings out and remember you are not alone. I lost two son\'s and one of them was a very violent high media murder and I will never ever het over it. I am still trying to live my life with out my Jesse, not only having him taken from me but also loosing my baby Justin 14 years later at only 23 yrs. old. So I am still living life with out them and it is not easy and my feelings are I feel very alone... I can identify with your feelings a lot and all I can say that everything takes time. This never goes away, just have to some how learn to live with it some how. I hope you can feel a little better asap. My heart goes out to you and you are in my thoughts and prayer\'s...XOX, Debbie
Wow, friends where do they go. And then if they decide to make a scene..my friend longest oldest friend really let me down when I needed someone the most. All I heard from her I just want the old you. I tried to tell her I will never be the old me. Finally I just quit talking to her..but s I looked back it was about her. She pulls me out of church starts in on me then it turns to all about her.. I just quit talking..lthey don\'t understand. Don\'t want to so I just let them go..it is sad but seems it happens a lot. Sorry you have gone through this pain. Sandi
With you every step of the way. Hugs, Kathy
It\'s a sad month for you. Missing her so much. It is hard being the mom of an angel. I try to journal in a little notebook, like I\'m writing Chris a letter. Sharing my feelings seems to help getting them on paper. There are still a few friends who have stayed around and I value them.
Grief is a journey we never signed up for yet I am on this path with you. Each of us are your friend and we care so much for how you feel. Gentle hugs,
Debbie
DEAR GINA; I GUESS WE ALL KEEP SAYING THE SAME THING TO YOU TELLING YOU HOW BAD WE FELT, HOW IT WILL GET BETTER HUGS LOVE. I GUESS WE JUST TRY TO LIFT YOUR SPIRTS A LITTLE.. WELL IT HAS BEEN 11 YEARS MY LIFE SUCKS I MISS MY DAUGHTER AND MY MOM SO MUCH. SOME DAYS I FEEL SO WEAK BUT THAT IS ALL THE SILICONE IN MY BODY FROM RUPTURED IMPLANTS . WISH I CHOLD CHEER YOU UP BUT I CAN,T JUST SEND A HUG AND SOME LOVE AND BLESS YOUR SWEET DAUGHTER.
I\'m thinking of you, as we walk this path hand in hand, sweet Gina!
Warm hugs. xxx
Loss changes us...sorrow is such a powerful emotion. In the first years after Alex passed, I was a shell of who I was before. I was sad and empty...and then a point came when I thought...I do NOT want to be this sad for the rest of my life. When I made that decision...my life began to change. It has steadily improved over the last years. I miss my Alex everyday...think of him many times everyday..but the deep darkness only visits periodically...and then I honor it. Acquaintances come and go...friends stay...some friends just don\'t know how to help. You have friends that understand here. You are doing the best you can right now...and that is good enough...love and gentle hugs...Karen
It\'s so sad when our friends ( and perhaps even some family ) drop out of our life at a time we really need them. As I have been experiencing this new way of life now for almost 7 years, I am able to see that when someone doesn\'t come around anymore, it\'s more about their coping skills than about me. We don\'t become unworthy of love, compassion or support, but some people are just not able to provide those things. When we find people who can truly understand us, they become our new friends. Like here at For Moms Only. Also this is for sure a time of self care & love. Most of us are not used to caring for ourself, so we have to learn how. Patience & gentleness are things we all need now and we can learn how to provide them to each other & to ourselves here.
As you continue to learn how to walk this difficult journey, you are not alone Gina. We are right here beside you with open understanding hearts. Days will come on this journey that are more tolerable, and eventually peace from time to time. Gentle hugs my sweet friend....Vicki
As I read your journal I see myself within your words. It is a heartbreaking time of loss and to see those that we have come to count on fall away too is another loss as well. I noticed my address book becoming thinner and as Vicki said it was about them and not about me. They couldn\'t give what they didn\'t have and I represented something they were terrified to face. Interestingly enough it was a few unexpected friends that really stepped up who could companion me in ways that have been such a gift. I did not find FMO until I was 14 months on this path, so truly that is when I noticed a huge shift within myself, when I landed here.
If even for a few nano seconds a day you begin to find a pause, some respite from the continual heartache those are very huge moments. When I began to notice those it took my breath away as then I feared I was not a \"good mom\" because I wasn\'t mourning my son 24/7. Oh, the spin cycle of emotions and none of them right nor wrong, yet exhausting and so very confusing. None of us are meant to live in acute grief for a lifetime, yet the timetable is as unique as we are.
I\'m not sure if you read a comment that Debbie made about her son, Christopher awhile back that she is his memory keeper. That really resonates for me and is what I want to BE for Douglas for as long as I am earth side.
Hand in hand and Heart to heart dear Gina and keep journaling, sharing and taking the best care of yourself that you can. Sometimes I try to imagine what Douglas would be saying to me if he could and perhaps listening and hearing Cassi\'s heart is that nano moment of pause and connecting with your precious daughter that is sorely needed. Building a bridge to one another that you two can travel...
Gentle (((hugs))) of understanding,
XO Joanie
It\'s like you wrote my story with your words. Emotions still so very raw..... the why didn\'t I do this, why didn\'t I say that............keeps going over and over in our minds.
The weight gain............oh I can so relate to that too!
I wish I lived closer to ALL of you.......
I\'ve found that some of my \'friends\' weren\'t really friends at all, and that\'s ok. The important ones are still there.....
Thinking of you dear........
Love and Hugs
Lisa
Hi Gina,
A lot of your entry really hit home for me, two things especially. Many times we probably are other people\'s nightmares come true. That may be part of the reason that \'friends\' drop us. Maybe they think it\'s contagious & they don\'t want to catch it. I guess by avoiding us they can feel \'safe\'. Often they just don\'t have a clue what to say.
I really do appreciate my old friends who stayed around & all the caring NEW friends I\'ve made, like here in FMO & CF.
I can definitely relate to the part of your entry where you said you think that your deep grief has affected your physical appearance. I look in the mirror & hardly recognize the pathetic woman I see. There are humongous dark bags under her eyes. There are major wrinkles that weren\'t there till last year. She almost never smiles but she cries at the drop of a hat. It really depresses me to see her, but the reality is that this is the new me.
Thanks, Gina, for putting these feelings into words. Lots of people will agree w/ what you\'ve written here.
Hugs,
Donna
Hugs,
Donna
You are so right Gina. When our child dies, we lose more than anyone can imagine. We are left to create a new life without our precious children being on this plane, and that is not at all easy. I still get a lump in my throat when the phone rings at dinner time. it was a standing joke at home. When the phone rand at dinner time, we would say \"Yes Lisa. What is it now?\"
Tight hugs and a lotta love, Marlene