Feeling powerless

I was having dinner in a diner tonight when two women dressed in tight clothing walked in the front door and made a quick beeline to the bathroom. Now, the restaurant has a sign on the front door reading "Bathrooms for customers only," but I could guess what was going to happen next. And indeed, when the women came out of the bathroom, they made a beeline for the front door, walked out, and got into a car that was double-parked at the curb waiting for them.

I turned to see a couple of the waiters behind the counter staring at the women with fixed, stupified gazes.

I put myself in the restaurant owner's shoes: What would I do if I were him and saw this go down? Would I approach the women and tell them that the restroom was for customers only... and probably watch them laugh at me as they walked out the front door? Would I tell them that they needed to buy something if they used the bathroom, and then when they tried to leave, physically block them from the front door and take out my phone and call the police? Would I just take a photo or video of their faces as they exited?

Or would I do nothing?

The most appealing option, the most satisfying, is letting them know they needed to buy something, and then blocking off the front door when they didn't, and staying that way until police came. That feels the best to me. It also puts me at the greatest risk of physical harm, embarassment in front of customers, and— what do I know?; I'm not a lawyer— charges of assault? The next-best option, the one I'd probably take, is to have my phone ready and take video of them, and then choose a still frame or two for the police, whom I'd call right after. This would be a non-violent action, with the intention of enforcing my restaurant's rules in a peaceful way. I'd know that nothing would probably come of it, but at least I could say I made the best lawful effort.

The other option, of course, is to let them go without confronting them. But you could look at this with two very different perspectives: "I'm helpless to stop them, so why bother trying," or "Hey, they needed to use the bathroom. Their action just now contributed to their health. I want all people to be healthy and happy. So... no problem."

Since I'm not an enlightened person, I struggle to think the latter. Since I'm still caught up in ego, I would fall into the former.

I'm not a Republican, but I do believe in the rule of law. It bothers me greatly that some laws are flouted so much that they effectively don't exist. No enforcement of a rule —> rule is worthless. (When was the last time you EVER saw someone stopped by the police for jaywalking in the U.S.?)

What I saw tonight reminded me of a feeling of helplessness that pervades my life these days. I try so hard, but I can't get the kind of job I want. No matter how much I wish he'd go away, the same guy who has been sitting in front of the convenience store at the end of my street, asking people for money or sleeping, continues to sit there year after year. And then he attracts his friends who linger and sometimes smoke on the corner. It's disgusting. It's not a scene I want to live down the street from. And it's all perfectly legal. (Believe me; I've brought it up with the local city councilman's office.) I really want to get out of my apartment, because I REALLY a need a change in my life, but my lease doesn't end until the middle of next year— and even then, how much effort will I spend finding another place that's relatively quiet in this city? And will I even be able to? (I've had lots of housing struggles in the past.) I want desperately to find a romantic companion that I feel comfortable with, who I really feel like I can be MYSELF with, and who I actually like. This has proven so, so, so hard.

I heard an inspirational speaker talk the other night about happiness' coming from within you, not external circumstances. I know this intellectually. But I struggle to put it into practice. "Little" things like what happened tonight, and the guy who lives on the corner, hit me emotionally. I wish I were more resistant to the knocks of life... more resilient to obstacles... less thrown by rejections... but the reality is that I'm a very sensitive person who isn't grounded enough in his life, doesn't have enough deep emotional support, and has no one to help with a lot of struggles.

Is "empowerment" really more mental than external? I don't know, but I wish I felt it. It really hurts feeling helpless.