Feeling Okay
Today was an okay day. I didn't feel great, but I didn't spend all day in bed. I did manage to get to the gym and do some of my workouts, which was nice. I didn't walk as much as I wanted because my schedule didn't allow (I was cooking a turkey, so I had to come home in time to take it out of the oven). It came out well and made a good dinner with some salad. I have to ask Geo if he noticed a difference between the brine and non-brine turkey. I didn't have the time or energy this time around to brine it, so it was just a regular turkey. I put some herb butter under the skin, but that didn't give it the same kind of flavor that brine does. I love how brine gets all into the deep parts of the turkey. I didn't even taste the herb butter, honestly. I knew it was there because I put it there, but I didn't taste it.
Okay, so after yesterday's deep journal you must be thinking “why is this girl talking about turkeys and the best way to cook them and it's not even Thanksgiving?” and you would be right. I talked to my stepdad last night and finally told him about the abuse. He was shocked and apologetic, and we talked for a while about it. It wasn't something that I really wanted to talk about, but I find that with every person I tell I get a bit of release.
I think it's because I come closer and closer to telling the person I want to tell the most- my stepmother. I don't think she will believe me, and I know she will defend her son, but I want to tell her. Maybe because it's the worst way that I can hurt my stepbrother, because as I was saying yesterday that he's still dependent on her. At least he was a couple of years ago, and I don't think much has changed. I think that would hurt him the most. And that's what I want. It would hurt him to have his mother turn against him, more than a kick in the balls. It would almost be a betrayal to him, but he betrayed me a long time ago so I have nothing to feel bad for. His mom deserves to know what her son did, what a monster he can be.
I've been dealing with these feelings all day and I'm doing okay, so something must have changed last night. I don't know what part of it did it, but I think it was a combination of things. I was feeling down for part of the day and wanted to just stay in bed, but like I said I did manage to get to the gym and do some strength training. I did walk to the gym, so I did get a tiny bit of cardio in, but I need to be stepping it up if I want to get to my 1,000 minutes this month. I had so much trouble last month since I was slacking off, but it was also a short month. Only by 2 days, but still. I deal with these bad things most of the time with exercise, but it doesn't seem to help when I'm so tired I can't get out of bed. When I don't want to get out of bed.
Right now is the time when I am disabled. I don't know when I'm going to be able to go back to work. Tomorrow I see my therapist if I can, and I'm scared that I will wake up in the morning and just not be able to. I have to take my Neurontin tonight because tomorrow I'm going to have to dose myself with caffeine just to get there and back. That's going to start the mood swings going for sure, and so I'm going to be a wreck for a couple more days. I think the Neurontin is helping for the mood swings, since I started taking it they have calmed down a lot. The akathesia has gotten worse, but I knew that was going to happen since it happened last time as well. The last couple of nights I have woken at 12:26am and haven't been able to fall back asleep until after 2am. I can't have that happening tonight with having to wake up early in the morning (8:30am). I'm going to go to bed soon anyway so I can get as much sleep as I can.
Food today was good... I was at 1,400 or so calories and on track with my protein and fat. I was a bit low on carbs, but that's okay. I had cookies and milk for breakfast, so I'm just glad I'm on track. I just had a snack-pack of Oreo cookies and a couple cups of milk for dunking. Geo got this huge box of Oreo at the store yesterday, and I knew I would eat some. I'm just glad I did it on a day when I could afford to. Sleep last night was bad, like I said... I keep waking up in the middle of the night and I can't fall back asleep for hours. Mood today was okay... Not great, but not the hell I've been in for the past weeks. Stress is high with not knowing if I can make it to therapy tomorrow, but the best I can do is try!
Okay, so after yesterday's deep journal you must be thinking “why is this girl talking about turkeys and the best way to cook them and it's not even Thanksgiving?” and you would be right. I talked to my stepdad last night and finally told him about the abuse. He was shocked and apologetic, and we talked for a while about it. It wasn't something that I really wanted to talk about, but I find that with every person I tell I get a bit of release.
I think it's because I come closer and closer to telling the person I want to tell the most- my stepmother. I don't think she will believe me, and I know she will defend her son, but I want to tell her. Maybe because it's the worst way that I can hurt my stepbrother, because as I was saying yesterday that he's still dependent on her. At least he was a couple of years ago, and I don't think much has changed. I think that would hurt him the most. And that's what I want. It would hurt him to have his mother turn against him, more than a kick in the balls. It would almost be a betrayal to him, but he betrayed me a long time ago so I have nothing to feel bad for. His mom deserves to know what her son did, what a monster he can be.
I've been dealing with these feelings all day and I'm doing okay, so something must have changed last night. I don't know what part of it did it, but I think it was a combination of things. I was feeling down for part of the day and wanted to just stay in bed, but like I said I did manage to get to the gym and do some strength training. I did walk to the gym, so I did get a tiny bit of cardio in, but I need to be stepping it up if I want to get to my 1,000 minutes this month. I had so much trouble last month since I was slacking off, but it was also a short month. Only by 2 days, but still. I deal with these bad things most of the time with exercise, but it doesn't seem to help when I'm so tired I can't get out of bed. When I don't want to get out of bed.
Right now is the time when I am disabled. I don't know when I'm going to be able to go back to work. Tomorrow I see my therapist if I can, and I'm scared that I will wake up in the morning and just not be able to. I have to take my Neurontin tonight because tomorrow I'm going to have to dose myself with caffeine just to get there and back. That's going to start the mood swings going for sure, and so I'm going to be a wreck for a couple more days. I think the Neurontin is helping for the mood swings, since I started taking it they have calmed down a lot. The akathesia has gotten worse, but I knew that was going to happen since it happened last time as well. The last couple of nights I have woken at 12:26am and haven't been able to fall back asleep until after 2am. I can't have that happening tonight with having to wake up early in the morning (8:30am). I'm going to go to bed soon anyway so I can get as much sleep as I can.
Food today was good... I was at 1,400 or so calories and on track with my protein and fat. I was a bit low on carbs, but that's okay. I had cookies and milk for breakfast, so I'm just glad I'm on track. I just had a snack-pack of Oreo cookies and a couple cups of milk for dunking. Geo got this huge box of Oreo at the store yesterday, and I knew I would eat some. I'm just glad I did it on a day when I could afford to. Sleep last night was bad, like I said... I keep waking up in the middle of the night and I can't fall back asleep for hours. Mood today was okay... Not great, but not the hell I've been in for the past weeks. Stress is high with not knowing if I can make it to therapy tomorrow, but the best I can do is try!
Replies
so happy you are feeling better then the last few weeeks, it must feel like a weight has been lifted. do you mean by the mood swings that you are disabled and cant work? im sorry i always ask these things. kudos on telling your step father!!! one more step in the healing process. you will get the courage up to tell your stepmom, and your right, she likely will deny, but YOU know the truth, and as the saying goes it will set you free. you are being very brave and strong in facing these feelings, no more stuffing for you! you are doing a great job on eating and doing whatever exercise you can, life isnt easy for you right now.
I agree with ann54. You are doing an amazing job.
Ditto - amazing job!
OK I am confused....how can you say you will forgive and at the same time say you want to tell your Stepmother to hurt him? One thought on telling your StepMother, are you ready for the possibility that she may put the blame on you? It happens....denial and shifting the blame.
What recipe do you use to brine your turkey. I was thinking of brineing my whole chicken next time.
First of all, I don\'t even know what brine is, lol.
Very brave of you to tell your stepfather. And I agree the more people know the lighter I feel. It\'s almost like the shackles are coming off. Don\'t you think though that he will tell your stepmother? If not go ahead and do it yourself. You have a lot of hatred in you which is totally ok. But it\'s not healthy to carry it around so if telling her gets rid of some of that anger, it\'s a win win situation.
Congrats on eating well and going to the gym. I know leaving the house is so hard when you are depressed but you did it and you definitely need to see your therapist tomorrow too. I was on Neurontin a while ago but it made me totally nutso, so I stopped it. It\'s so hard to find the right meds. Oreos for breakfast make me giggle but I have a total sweet tooth and would eat 3 sweet meals a day if they let me.