Feeling like writing

I'm in the mood to write. I used to write all the time in high school and college, but have only been doing sporadic journals. Pain was my muse, and I had a lot of that, I was addicted to cutting, bingeing all the time and for about 6 months I couldn't leave my room if there was anyone else home. It takes me a while to "get" things. I made out with a girl, I would watch my roommates changing (but I wasn't aware that I was looking at them like that) and would check out girl's butts to see their underwear. But I had no idea I was a bisexual (or lesbian). I was clueless! I don't know how it got to the point where I realized it.. maybe it was my girlfriend who I was "dating" online. Even with all of that it still took me time to realize that I liked women. When I get depressed, I'm the last one to know.Geo looks at me and tells me that I'm depressed (or hypomanic or whatever) because he knows my patterns and signs. One thing I love about this site (Daily Strength) is that you can go back to years past and check out the mood faces and the title of the journals to catch patterns. Last August I was getting depressed, so I went and looked back at past years and saw I was depressed at that time too. And oddly enough, two years in a row I was in the hospital for the same exact dates (March 31 to April 4th). I may hate Dr. Oz and how he's attached to the site now, but that's not enough to get me away from my years here. I have good friends here, too. 
I've been letting my Borderline run wild. My friend, Carol, got engaged and I found out about it from a post she did online. I was very hurt and that triggered the Borderline. Then she wouldn't return my calls, and when we were talking and the call dropped she didn't call me back, she called her fiance. Even when I was in the middle of speaking. I've been trying to calm the cycle down. I sent her an email saying I was sorry for my behavior (I called her 9 times in less than an hour) and explained about the Borderline. I just wish she would talk to me as well as her finace. I don't know if I have right to be mad or not.
Geo got his approval from the cardiologist from the surgeon today, so now it needs to be all sent to the insurance company and then 3 weeks of a shake diet, then surgery! It needs to be in the next 30 days, or we have to go back to the cardiologist again. It's scary... It's just hitting me now how serious this is. Ever since I've been with him he said he wanted to get the surgery, and I can't believe this is happening. He's still gaining weight, and today we binged. I had ravioli, a piece of pizza, garlic roll, salad, 2 doughnuts and a large iced coffee. Geo and I were watching our nightly anime and I said I felt sick and he told me not to throw up. He said I have to pay the consequences of my actions when I binge or I will keep doing it. Right now all I can think about is purging. But I have to be good and not do it... I don't know what he would do if I did purge, but I know it would be bad.