Feeling like a failure
So when my dad died, i promised to carry things on for him, like making the garden, growing flowers, and keeping mom happy. I have done none of this, and with mom constantly being sick I feel like there is nothing I can do to make her happy. I wanted to do anything I could to make my dad proud and it seems impossible...
While he was sick, a so called friend of mine, kept needing financial help...and even when I told her that I couldn't help, she would guilt trip me using suicide. So for 6 months almost every penny I made and could gather up went to her, and that included borrowing from church friends. My dad was always one to give the shirt off of his back but he would have never fallen for her lies, and I made sure to never let him know,,,instead I lied to him, telling him all of my money was going to bills and that was why I wasn't buying things I needed. It was hard to refuse him when he offered money because it was like she had a sense any time I had money. Yes I know it was stupid to let her use me like that...but you don't expect someone you have known for years to do that. I don't know the exact amount that I sent her, but over the six months it was over 5000 dollars.
I ended up being in what could have been a fatal car crash because my mind was constantly on when would she ask for more money. My husband and I could have been killed because I let her get to me, and even when I told her I had just been in a wreck, she asked for money. At that point, I wished that the wreck had killed me. It was after that that I ended up borrowing from friends, telling them that because of the wreck I had not been able to work (which was the truth as I was a delivery driver). And because of that and her, I took advantage of people that care/cared about me.
I am now in even more debt and bad credit because I could not pay any of the things that I needed to pay and after paying on one car for over a year, had to start all over on a more expensive car.
With all of this stress, I still kept it from my family, refusing to let them know what happened. I was so close to suicide at that point that the only thing keeping me alive was hope that my dad would live, and that surely she would not keep asking me for money. I finally had to lie to her and give myself time to block her from my life completely. I still feel bad for that, but I knew I had to for my health, but now I owe people so much money, it's no wonder no one wants anything to do with me...even my dad must be looking down at me with disappointment in his eyes.
I'm so sorry that I am a failure to everyone...
While he was sick, a so called friend of mine, kept needing financial help...and even when I told her that I couldn't help, she would guilt trip me using suicide. So for 6 months almost every penny I made and could gather up went to her, and that included borrowing from church friends. My dad was always one to give the shirt off of his back but he would have never fallen for her lies, and I made sure to never let him know,,,instead I lied to him, telling him all of my money was going to bills and that was why I wasn't buying things I needed. It was hard to refuse him when he offered money because it was like she had a sense any time I had money. Yes I know it was stupid to let her use me like that...but you don't expect someone you have known for years to do that. I don't know the exact amount that I sent her, but over the six months it was over 5000 dollars.
I ended up being in what could have been a fatal car crash because my mind was constantly on when would she ask for more money. My husband and I could have been killed because I let her get to me, and even when I told her I had just been in a wreck, she asked for money. At that point, I wished that the wreck had killed me. It was after that that I ended up borrowing from friends, telling them that because of the wreck I had not been able to work (which was the truth as I was a delivery driver). And because of that and her, I took advantage of people that care/cared about me.
I am now in even more debt and bad credit because I could not pay any of the things that I needed to pay and after paying on one car for over a year, had to start all over on a more expensive car.
With all of this stress, I still kept it from my family, refusing to let them know what happened. I was so close to suicide at that point that the only thing keeping me alive was hope that my dad would live, and that surely she would not keep asking me for money. I finally had to lie to her and give myself time to block her from my life completely. I still feel bad for that, but I knew I had to for my health, but now I owe people so much money, it's no wonder no one wants anything to do with me...even my dad must be looking down at me with disappointment in his eyes.
I'm so sorry that I am a failure to everyone...
Replies
You are not a failure. She really used you and that\'s terrible that you felt like you had to keep giving her money. I am glad you removed her from your life. Is there anyway you can force any of the money back from her? What did she need it for anyway? Also I am sorry about you dad, and I\'m sorry your mom is so sick.
No, there is no possible way to force any money back. At first I was letting her borrow it because she was going to pay me back (Or so she said, now I just feel stupid) Her ex husband was causing her a lot of problems and kept calling DSS and she kept telling me that DSS would give her a certain amount of time to get this or that fixed, and then her car kept breaking down, and then she was finally getting a job but it fell through, and I kept believing it. In a way I think I thought if I helped her, someone would help my dad.
You have a lot going on here. Sounds like you need to set some boundaries so you are not taken advantage of. You cannot continue on like this because you are burning out. You may as well forget about the money and consider it a gift to her from you. This is a huge lesson for you. It\'s not uncommon for friends and family to ask for money and never repay. It\'s ruined lots of relationships.
About keeping your mom happy...well, we can do things that make a person happy, but that\'s not how happyness works. It you keep on with that mindset, you will continue to feel like a failure...because you think Mom is happy = I am a good person (successful) Mom unhappy = I am bad (failure and letting father down). Your Mom is ill, she is not going to always be \"happy.\" I hope that makes sense. Do what you can and that is it. Don\'t do the garden if it\'s too much for you....again, it will only cause you to feel guilt. Start small. Grow flowers in a container...that is something. Do little things for small victories that equal success...then you begin to feel successful.
On your bills, attack the smallest one first. Pay minimum payments on all debts except the smallest one. Once it\'s paid off, put that amount toward the next smallest plus any other money you can find until paid, then the next. It\'s called the snowball effect. Eventually you are throwing larger amounts to bigger bills paying them off. You can do it...and it will be part of what I said above...small victories leading to larger ones.
focus on Jesus and pleasing God. The rest will fall into place over time. (((HUGS)))