Feeling Kinda Crazy Lately...
Lately I keep getting this feeling of needing to cut again and I don't want to feel that way, I don't know how to make it stop. Aside from the fact that I know I shouldn't be doing it and that well it's hurting myself, I can't handle more scars. I have enough. But then I think well who cares about the scar when I could have a moment of relief... Sometimes I feel like I'm crazy or something, one moment I'm thinking I want to hurt myself and then the next minute I'm telling myself wtf are you crazy? I don't even know why I do it. I wish I didn't feel this way. I wish I knew how to deal with it. I can't go to my parents, I don't really trust my friends, at least not with something like this. I just don't really know what to do.
On the other hand some things are better at home now a days, others, like I mentioned, not so much, but I guess it's better than everything being messed up. Since I got acceptances to both universities there has been a little more relief, but financially I think I made more problems for my parents with the surgery which makes me feel guilty, at the same time I know that the amount they spent on surgery is for sure less than the amount I tend to spend on food during a year, and since I don't have a job and still need them to support me for everything, maybe this will save them some money.
It's been 6 weeks since the surgery, it's tough, much harder than I thought but it is with no doubt at all the best decision I have made in my life. After my 4 weeks of liquids only, I can now barely eat. I guess it's a good thing because it means that I will be losing weight and all which is obviously the purpose of the surgery. I'm also going to the gym everyday and working out and am also on a very strict diet, no sugar, barely any carbs, and a lot of vegi's, something I never thought I would eat! But I have lost a total of 33 lb so far so I'm going to continue being on my diet no matter what! Usually when I'm on a diet I sometimes cheat I have a chocolate bar or something I'm not supposed to, but not this time. This time I'm more than determined to lose the weight so I won't have any sweets, I'm not going to cheat, and no days off. I really hope I just stick to my word.
On the other hand some things are better at home now a days, others, like I mentioned, not so much, but I guess it's better than everything being messed up. Since I got acceptances to both universities there has been a little more relief, but financially I think I made more problems for my parents with the surgery which makes me feel guilty, at the same time I know that the amount they spent on surgery is for sure less than the amount I tend to spend on food during a year, and since I don't have a job and still need them to support me for everything, maybe this will save them some money.
It's been 6 weeks since the surgery, it's tough, much harder than I thought but it is with no doubt at all the best decision I have made in my life. After my 4 weeks of liquids only, I can now barely eat. I guess it's a good thing because it means that I will be losing weight and all which is obviously the purpose of the surgery. I'm also going to the gym everyday and working out and am also on a very strict diet, no sugar, barely any carbs, and a lot of vegi's, something I never thought I would eat! But I have lost a total of 33 lb so far so I'm going to continue being on my diet no matter what! Usually when I'm on a diet I sometimes cheat I have a chocolate bar or something I'm not supposed to, but not this time. This time I'm more than determined to lose the weight so I won't have any sweets, I'm not going to cheat, and no days off. I really hope I just stick to my word.
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