Feeling hopefull
Today was the exact opposite of yesterday. It started off with me feeling pretty awful and ended with me feeling pretty darn good. Perhaps that feeling of goodness is premature, in fact I know that it is. I'm trying to just live in the moment though.
When I woke up this morning I was feeling pretty discouraged. The remnants of last night were still in me and I just felt hopeless. I really didn't want to get out of bed at all, but I roused myself and went to Church with Vicki and the kids. It was a really good sermon and I'm glad that I went.
After church I spent some time on the phone with my mom. We talked about how I've been feeling and what's been going on with me and Matt. I explained to her that he is very angry and that he has legitimate reasons to be angry. He has asked me for time and space and I'm doing my best to give it to him. As far as my own treatment, I don't think that mediation is the answer. I'm still open to it, but - I'm not convinced that it will be effective.
Vicki and I watched The Other Woman. The movie was funny but it upset me a little bit because I've been acting a lot like the man in that movie. Though I'm not nearly as much of a megalomaniac as he was. I really honestly feel terrible about what I've done and the way I've treated my husband. Truthfully I want to make a change in myself and treat him with the respect, honor, and love that he deserves.
The movie ended and I spent a little bit of time practicing a few songs. I've discovered that I have a very limited range. It also doesn't help that I'm still not fully recovered from the sinus infection that I got back in October. I really should go to the doctor and get something for it. Maybe when I get back from MA next week I'll seek out a primary care physician. Really what I should do is try to make an appointment for when I get back to NY next week or the week after.
About halfway through the Golden Globes, Matt called. I really wasn't expecting him to call. I had texted him and asked if I could stay the night at our apartment on Tuesday. I half expected him to say no but he said that it was okay. When he called me, he told me that he had spoken to the loan company and that a resolution had been reached about the payments, which was good news. But the part of the conversation that really made me feel good was that he kept saying "we".
Matt was talking about the future, about our finances, about our apartment, and where to live, and when he would reference these things, and what needs to be done he didn't say "I" or "you", he said "we". It might have been a force of habit but I don't think so. He said "we" should look for some place less expensive to live, and "we" can't have a pet if we move into the on campus housing at the hospital, and a few other times.
I can tell that he is still really trepidatious about the entire thing. He's still afraid to let me in. It's going to take a lot of time, and a lot of work on my part to repair the damage that has been done. I'm still not sure when I'm going to be allowed to move back into my apartment, but I'm really hoping that by this time next month I'm at least back home.
I think it will be much longer before I'm allowed to sleep in the same bed, and to hold him, and kiss him, really kiss him - and sex is probably unthinkable to him at the moment, but it's a sign of hope. I've got to be really careful not to push him. I have to let him take his time and let him move things along at his own pace. I have to show him that he has say, and is in charge of this. It's all up to him.
Truthfully, I don't want to rush it. I want to earn him back. I want to make him fall in love with me again. I'm not sure how you do that when some of the mystery is gone, but I'm going to try. I'm going to work my ass off to show him that I am worthy of him.
When I woke up this morning I was feeling pretty discouraged. The remnants of last night were still in me and I just felt hopeless. I really didn't want to get out of bed at all, but I roused myself and went to Church with Vicki and the kids. It was a really good sermon and I'm glad that I went.
After church I spent some time on the phone with my mom. We talked about how I've been feeling and what's been going on with me and Matt. I explained to her that he is very angry and that he has legitimate reasons to be angry. He has asked me for time and space and I'm doing my best to give it to him. As far as my own treatment, I don't think that mediation is the answer. I'm still open to it, but - I'm not convinced that it will be effective.
Vicki and I watched The Other Woman. The movie was funny but it upset me a little bit because I've been acting a lot like the man in that movie. Though I'm not nearly as much of a megalomaniac as he was. I really honestly feel terrible about what I've done and the way I've treated my husband. Truthfully I want to make a change in myself and treat him with the respect, honor, and love that he deserves.
The movie ended and I spent a little bit of time practicing a few songs. I've discovered that I have a very limited range. It also doesn't help that I'm still not fully recovered from the sinus infection that I got back in October. I really should go to the doctor and get something for it. Maybe when I get back from MA next week I'll seek out a primary care physician. Really what I should do is try to make an appointment for when I get back to NY next week or the week after.
About halfway through the Golden Globes, Matt called. I really wasn't expecting him to call. I had texted him and asked if I could stay the night at our apartment on Tuesday. I half expected him to say no but he said that it was okay. When he called me, he told me that he had spoken to the loan company and that a resolution had been reached about the payments, which was good news. But the part of the conversation that really made me feel good was that he kept saying "we".
Matt was talking about the future, about our finances, about our apartment, and where to live, and when he would reference these things, and what needs to be done he didn't say "I" or "you", he said "we". It might have been a force of habit but I don't think so. He said "we" should look for some place less expensive to live, and "we" can't have a pet if we move into the on campus housing at the hospital, and a few other times.
I can tell that he is still really trepidatious about the entire thing. He's still afraid to let me in. It's going to take a lot of time, and a lot of work on my part to repair the damage that has been done. I'm still not sure when I'm going to be allowed to move back into my apartment, but I'm really hoping that by this time next month I'm at least back home.
I think it will be much longer before I'm allowed to sleep in the same bed, and to hold him, and kiss him, really kiss him - and sex is probably unthinkable to him at the moment, but it's a sign of hope. I've got to be really careful not to push him. I have to let him take his time and let him move things along at his own pace. I have to show him that he has say, and is in charge of this. It's all up to him.
Truthfully, I don't want to rush it. I want to earn him back. I want to make him fall in love with me again. I'm not sure how you do that when some of the mystery is gone, but I'm going to try. I'm going to work my ass off to show him that I am worthy of him.
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