Feeling Heavy
Woke up this morning feeling heavy....just feeling like there is such a hole in my life....a void....missing my daughter and mom this morning. I always knew they both were my life and I know life goes on...but feeling so lost this morning without them. I remember telling my mom I hate being an only child....of course I said that to her when she was 80...lol.....My daughter was my only child....she had one child...what's up with that? Somehow I always think IF ONLY I had a sister, a brother...another child...somehow LOSING MY DAUGHTER WOULDN'T HURT SO DAMN BAD.....I know that would not make one difference BUT this morning my feelings are what they are and guess I'm having a pity party for myself.....
They are having a healing service at church tonite - the first thought I had in my mind was "great, why should I pray for others when my daughter went to healing service after healing service, stood in faith for her healing.....and some would say - well she was healed just not in the way I would have liked....guess so God has a plan, God is in control; Did I hinder my daughter's healing because sometimes I can be so cynical? Do I really believe God can heal? Did I not pray enough when Jennifer was sick? Did I make Jesus proud of me? I don't think so....I was so doggone in shock, sad, feeling lost when she died and the time she was sick that I was like a bird flapping it's wings but going nowhere.....Like I said, this morning I am feeling like a failure as a mother, feeling like a failure in my Christian walk, feeling like the worst example of what a Christian should be like.....FAITH.....SOMETIMES NOT VERY GOOD AT IT.
Of course I want others healed, and I want no mom to ever go through this....I pray for others...but this morning I'm just having a pity party....boo hoo for me.....Thanks for understanding, not judging, always loving....
They are having a healing service at church tonite - the first thought I had in my mind was "great, why should I pray for others when my daughter went to healing service after healing service, stood in faith for her healing.....and some would say - well she was healed just not in the way I would have liked....guess so God has a plan, God is in control; Did I hinder my daughter's healing because sometimes I can be so cynical? Do I really believe God can heal? Did I not pray enough when Jennifer was sick? Did I make Jesus proud of me? I don't think so....I was so doggone in shock, sad, feeling lost when she died and the time she was sick that I was like a bird flapping it's wings but going nowhere.....Like I said, this morning I am feeling like a failure as a mother, feeling like a failure in my Christian walk, feeling like the worst example of what a Christian should be like.....FAITH.....SOMETIMES NOT VERY GOOD AT IT.
Of course I want others healed, and I want no mom to ever go through this....I pray for others...but this morning I'm just having a pity party....boo hoo for me.....Thanks for understanding, not judging, always loving....
Replies
It\'s so difficult when the \"if only\" and what Ifs\" fill up our thoughts. I\'m pretty sure most of us go through this from time to time. It is hard to walk this journey without doubts. Here is my truth, I was the best mother for my son that I knew how to be. He was given to me by birth and I did make him my priority . Life did not turn out like I expected. It does hurt so damn bad. He was my only child too.
You are like a sister to me. That\'s why we call each other SOTH. I care that you are hurting and missing Jennifer and your mom. You are certainly not a failure by any means. You are a mom still loving your daughter and that love always is in us. Hugs to you and Jennifer,
Debbie
I can understand waking up and feeling just like you. i was a failure as a mom. As far as church and God I was angery at him. My daughter suffered 15 years with that Lupus. I would pray and pray I hate to say it did nothing for me gave me no confort. Your not on a pity potty feel sorry for my self day. What you feel is normal and it does not go away in any certain time. Grief is a life long process. it does get easier . I have no family at all they are all dead. I was only 23 when I lost my mom and we were so close. So when you think of guilt, or things you did not do your not alone we all think that way. i still do and my daughter has been gone 11 years now. It was her birthday Friday. I miss her and her husband Teddy so much he died of cancer lots of hugs and love mary ann4 years before she died. he was 46 she was 40. Bless your angels
Hi Vicki,
Maybe you could go to the healing service @ church. It might be that you could receive some \'emotional healing\' for your heart. Healing\'s not limited to just physical problems, you know. Because of the circumstances we SOTHs find ourselves in right now, our emotional health has been affected by overwhelming difficulties like crushing self-doubt, major feelings of guilt & terrible mental anguish, etc. These are powerful emotions we have & we need healing EVERY BIT as much as if something physically were wrong. Seems like a lot of the time, I just feel like I can\'t take it anymore! Sometimes I want to scream and sometimes I just want to \'check out\'.
In my heart of hearts, tho, I realize that Jesus has an amazing Plan for restoring calm during the storms of life. He isn\'t called \"The Prince of Peace\" for nothing! We can ask for His peace to come into our shattered hearts. I\'m doing this, btw.
When The Lord walked among us, He healed people TORMENTED by demons. And aren\'t all of us facing \'demons\' every day? Demons that rob us of tranquility, joy, purpose, feelings of self-worth, etc. I think we all face these issues & more, ON A DAILY, maybe even hourly BASIS.
It would be a very rare person in FMO whose emotions weren\'t in total and complete turmoil. I\'ve heard us compared to people with PTSD; things are often that bad. I know that, since Charlie\'s loss, I feel like I\'ve lived thru a traumatic event!!! I experience that kind of stress disorder all the time - maybe you do, too. Maybe we all do!
And it\'s VERY hard to live with this.
So if going to church tonight has even the remotest chance of helping you, you should go! I\'ll pray for you tonight at roughly the same time as the healing service will be held. (Your time zone, around 8:00?) I\'ll ask God to send His peace & that it reaches every hurting part of your heart & soul. That a tangible sense of calm & well-being be with you as you continue this journey of faith. That you be given courage & strength as you meet the challenges in your life. That your paths take you into the pathways of others who can encourage & give you hope for the future.
No, I\'m not saying that my prayers are any better than anyone else\'s or that I know all about what YOU are dealing with. I DON\'T. But I do think that it might help you some to KNOW that someone far away is praying SPECIFICALLY for you tonight. And that this person is asking the Lord to send you the much-needed blessings of inner peace & comfort regarding the transitions of Jennifer & your Mom. And that your walk with Him be enhanced somehow by these events. And that you be given wisdom, understanding & knowledge as you go with God.
I\'m so sorry- I know I sound \'preachy\' & I don\'t mean to. There\'s probably a thousand ways to say all of this better. But would it be ok if I say a prayer for you tonight? Let me know about this if you have a minute.
Love,
Donna
Sister: listen to me. I have walked on your path, I am perhaps a mile or two ahead of you.
God often does not act in this world in the way we want Him to because this place is nothing, it is a stopping off place into eternity. Your daughter stood, asking for His help, and she did get it. She stood in faith.
Once, years ago, I was part of a strong evangelical church and I had a friend whose 18 month old son had come out of remission for leukemia and needed a bone marrow transplant. There was a healing service in this Tabernacle where I (and my then very young daughter) attended. I told my friend, \"I need to take Danny (her son) to this service\" and she let me.
I will never forget that night. In this huge and beautiful tabernacle where I had seen so much worship, so much faith, this man stepped out. I had Danny in my arms. My \"little voice\" said \"He is a fraud but stand your ground.\" And that, I did. The entire service passed. I was one of just a few left and I followed this person around the Tabernacle until he turned to me and said \'WHAT DO YOU WANT, MOTHER\'. I said, \"This boy is dying from leukemia\". His answer was \"Never say those words again\" and for the life of me I can\'t remember what happened next but I left there knowing one thing: if something passed from God to Danny, it was not through this \"healer\", it was through MY FAITH, my conviction.
Some time later, maybe a month or two, Danny\'s mother asked me to call the pediatrician. She had no phone and there were no HORRIBLE HIPA laws in place then. I called them. They said his blood test was normal. I asked about the leukemia and the woman said \"He doesn\'t have leukemia!\"
Oh how I prayed for my April. And oh how she prayed for herself. She bought herself a crucifix which she wore every day. By looking at the external hard drives of her computer I saw that she had downloaded pictures of Jesus and bible verses. She was so profoundly ill and, like so many severely mentally ill people, she COULD NOT ACKNOWLEDGE HER ILLNESS. She was convinced it was a spiritual assault and then she disappeared into it, pacing, terrified, psychiatric drugs did NOTHING sister. I was getting ready to buy a drug on the internet to take us both out; and then, God allowed her to go to Him.
\'Help me when I call\'.....\'Help me I\'m falling....Help me....I think I\'m dying. Help me....I think I\"m falling.\"
No. You are not. You are experiencing the NORMAL reactions to a horrific loss which most people are so afraid of they cannot even reach out to you. He will help you \'over the wall\'. He will help you when you\'re afraid. Open your heart. You have been chosen; you are one who suffers for others. Your pain is legitimate but it CAN SERVE OTHERS. Carry your cross sister, follow Him, watch Him carry His cross. YOU CAN. You will.
Thinks will change. Feelings will begin to mean something else. God will turn your eyes toward the millions suffering as badly as we are. Tell Him you can. Tell Him YOU WILL follow this path, and give your suffering to Him. You are not alone. Not for one second are you alone. And one day, in the blink of an eye, you and your precious child will be in each other\'s arms in a place more beautiful than anything you can imagine. And you will have done it. You will have lived out God\'s purpose for your life as did your beautiful child. And \"why\" won\'t mean anything any more, forever.
Listen: left click link, right click \"open in new tab\", put on your head phones. Listen.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5FalXQb5BQ8&list=PLz2gxN08ncH8ZKX7b4GW-72V_q78dai8h&index=15
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Feeling heavy describes it perfectly... With you and understanding and I hope you will be able to go to that healing service.
I remember when my late brother died from being infused with tainted blood (Hep C) before the FDA tested it and my dad saying to my mom, \"What happened to all our prayers.\" And she replied, \"They were answered, just not in the ways that we had hoped they would be.\" I will never forget that moment and it has remained with me as I stood on the same path as my mom... Both of us losing our eldest children and our sons...
Having loved ones to share the loss with does help, yet I have learned too that they can only carry so much because they are grieving too. This is why I\'m here on FMO because each of you are a witness and a companion to this heaviness that you describe.
There is a man who carries a cross and walks the streets of Paia. Each time we go into that town we see him, he smiles, gives eye contact and carries a large white cross on his back. Our daughter was able to see him as well...
Just sending the most loving care that I have Vicki and keep feeling it all as you are because within that is your healing in your time and in your own way.
XXOO
Joanie
Each one of you said what I needed to hear. I am thankful that I have sisters who say what they feel in their heart and pray for me. I have re-read each response over and over again and will take it to heart. Thank you.
Pity parties are just fine. I understand the mixed feelings. I had a hard time not feeling jealous of my friends who still have their children.
Just know you are not alone.
Love and huge hugs,
Marlene
Vicki,Yes we are not alone here and it is so very good that you all understand. I wonder if the hurt I feel is evident to others. Sometimes I feel so alone and I don\'t understand why people do not reach out to us. I am so very grateful for those that do, but the others are truly a mystery. I think that it is too much for them, yet how do they think we are managing? I hope I would not do this to them. Vibes of peace, Kathy