Feeling guilty...

I laughed yesterday for the first time in a long time, I mean just LAUGHED at something the pups did, but then I felt a sense of such GUILT wash over me.  That it wasn't OK, it's only been 4 months, I shouldn't be laughing, it was to soon...  Then I just broke down crying, thinking I was crazy and why was I laughing and smiling when my son was gone.  IS THIS NORMAL?  Is it OK to smile again?  

Replies

Jasons1mom
Jasons1mom

Oh my dear friend. On this path that we find ourselves on, \"normal\" is completely subjective. Is laughter normal? To me (and I had to learn this too) laughter is as normal as tears. Although we don\'t attach guilt to our tears. When my father passed in 2001, it was 6 months before I laughed and oh my gosh, the guilt... Jason passed January 25th, 2013. About 2 weeks later I had a \"pitchin\' in\" show on (Lynn Crawford is the chef). She was chasing this turkey around the yard with the farmer watching, waiting for her to catch the turkey when BAMM! Her pants fell down to her ankles. I LAUGHED! Now the guilt. I am trying to learn that we are not punished for our childs deaths. We are punishing ourselves. And yes, I too am in the middle of punishing myself just for living...
However, your laughter is completely normal! If you are like me, momentary positive emotions/feelings like laughter are immediately followed by guilt. I am hoping that in time, there will again be joy in the laughter and the guilt will lessen.
The women here will tell both of us to be gentle with ourselves. Gentle in our need to cry, scream, vent, show anger as well as laugh, breathe, see beauty - the list goes on.
Keep journaling, keep asking the questions, keep reaching out. I will too.
Hugs and a wish for peace
Merrilee
connilla
connilla

I think we all felt guilty about laughing after our children\'s deaths. I think it is quite normal. As you travel the journey, I think you will feel less guilty. I know I did. My Melissa was such a happy, bubbly personality, I am sure she rather see me laugh than cry. HUGS, Connie
mx55mom
mx55mom

Oh how we punish ourselves, but here it is three years for me and I still get the \"guilty\" feeling, not as much, but it still happens. Although I know Kevin is having his fun and wouldn\'t want me to be sad or guilty, it just happens. Of course we want our kids here with us enjoying life, having fun, giving hugs and kisses. I can\'t say if that guilty feeling will ever go away but it has lessened for me. Much love and big (((hugs))), Sharon
NoraMc
NoraMc

Oh... I did the same thing,, actually I still do,,, if I dare to have some fun . laugh, giggle,,, I still feel guilty,,,, normal!!!
BinkyH
BinkyH

OH, the laughing. YES, it is normal to feel guilt. I struggled with this horribly and even after 4 1/2 years, that guilt can get to me. Not so much anymore though, now it is more like a wonder that I can laugh. But in the beginning...I didn\'t really smile or laugh for about a year. However, once at work something made me laugh and a co-worker said \"What are you laughing at?\". Another co-worker told him to leave me alone. She said \"Leave her alone, she hardly ever smiles\". Understand that everything you are going through is perfectly normal. Some of the problem with laughing is that when we do it, we feel guilty because we might feel we are \"letting go\". And how could we dare laugh when the worst has happened? I went to my 1st retreat in Niagara Falls in 2009 (I was 7 months into this thing). I have photos of me laughing and smiling with the other moms. It felt so right, so comfortable, with them. And yet, I struggled with it when I was with the \"others\". Laughter is as much a part of life as tears. One does not balance out the other. You will experience guilt and you will learn as time goes on. Just for now, know that it is most perfectly normal for you to feel this way.
Peace.
missingtrevor
missingtrevor

Same here, I find when I do laugh, I feel guilt, but it is subsiding a bit, just the other day, I was having such a down day, after a long stretch of good days, so enjoy the good and know when you are feeling bad, we are all hear for you...
DorisL
DorisL

Perfectly normal! It will be 2 years on the 23rd of this month that I lost my son.I too feel the guilt even though I know Jeff would want me not to.
Hugs Doris
Livingjuicy
Livingjuicy

For me it is still the \"surprise\" of how quickly the spin cycle of emotions can be felt. I believe that my laughter and tears are almost the same expression now. They are about feeling and that is what you are doing and all of it is okay and as it needs to BE.

I\'m grateful you had that laughter because you are reminding yourself that you have it within you to be in the present moment and find something that brings some healing and lightness into your heart.

Rest in these moments and days because you are so very deserving of them. None of us are meant to live in acute grief for a lifetime. This I do believe and know and I don\'t feel I know very much these days. :)

Gentle care my friend and love,
XO Joanie
julieneal77
julieneal77

Thanks everyone, nice to know I\'m normal... At least for right now. :)
babiboismom
babiboismom

Oh yes it\'s normal to feel the way you do. I think the one thing that helped me when I felt guilt over having a good time or laughing, is I know my sons would not want me to be consumed in grief. They would want me to laugh again & even feel enjoyment.

I hope you get to enjoy more moments of laughter without guilt. You deserve some joy my friend.