Feeling Different

i don't know whats happening to me right now. i don't know if its because im hungover or im in a bad mood but something inside me feels different. i recently relapsed again but this isn't how i usually feel when i do relapse. i don't know. normally when im in a bad way. i don't eat and sleep and i take it out on myself because its always my own fault i fuck up anyway. this time im eating too much, oversleeping and taking it out on those around me. i don't like this ell im becoming, in fact i hate her. this isn't me at all. im so down all of the time and i cant pick myself back up. i don't know if its because of my relationship failures which have seriously knocked my confidence and all the belief i had in myself or its just because im a selfish person. i wish it would just stop or at least let me feel just a tiny bit of happiness for a short while. anything to get me away from this torture eating me up inside