Feeling defective

I have been getting a good handle on my BPD and depression. I feel ok most days, I feel like I am able to do things and I dont feel like I am so demanding on Sarah. This has been a nice relief of late, the miserey has been at bay but as my stomach has not giving me any break I can feel it all crumbling.
Im really fucking scared they will find something in the endoscopy that is quite bad. No matter what reassurances I get. My grandad went into hospital and came out in a wheel-chair. I know it's different but I have spent so much time in hospitals with Sarah that Ive seen enough young, supposedly healthy people in hospital beds.I also know my luck, things that dont seem that serious often do their best to prove me wrong.
 
I just dont know how to handle this. The mental crap I can deal with, that is all about me and how I think, a doctor cant interfere but this is something I cant do at home with a kitchen knife and I hate putting my body in the hands of another human being.