Feeling awfull

   Not feeling good today at all. Had a very hard time getting to sleep last night. Seem to be just consumed with worry. I keep telling myself that it's alright, and things are not as bad as they feel, but it doesn't seem to bring any comfort. I wish I could just disapear for a week or so, but I know that's foolish thinking. What G told me yesterday is really bothering me. I feel like I really fucked up something that could have been so good. Somebody comes from another country, and here I am trying to get percosettes, and actually thinking that I was O.K. at the time. I never even thought about it much at the time. I wasn't into them then. Just wanted a few for something stupid then. Makes me really wonder if I will ever be alright enough to be with someone. I didn't even think of it as being really wrong at the time. Makes me wonder if I hadn't of done that, would she still be here? Useless thinking. It's the past. I know I fucked up, and there is no changing that. There is still the future, and who knows what that holds. At least we are still freinds. I do love her. And to think I was mad at her for leaving. At least by her bringing this truth to my attention. I can more easily accept, understand and agree with her decision to go. just feels bad at times, because I was so happy just being with her. I was the happiest I had ever been in years. I know, get out of that shit. Stop thinking about what could've been, or if I had done this or that differant. Just have to try and get my shit together. Without doing that, it's pretty well guaranteed that I won't ever find happiness again. I went to the Dr today to fill out the form they wanted. Seemed pretty stupid. It was a compensation form they just wanted signed, but this is nothing to do with compensation. Oh, well. Guess they have some reason for it. I guess I'm not working with Bob today. I think he's trying to play games with me. If I have to, he's just going to have to wait till I get my next cheque. I owe him money, but I just can't do anything about it right now. If he wants I can work for him to pay it, but I'm not working like he had me doing. Spending the whole day either waiting for him, or doing nothing, and then having to fight for a little money. He likes to try and make you feel like your not worth anything. I've had enough of that. It starts to really get to you after awhile. I think I've really had it with him. i've never in my life seen people that work as hard as they do at being cheap. Doesn't seem to matter what they do, they know the angle of everything. Even going to Tim Hortons. They make an order of two coffees and donuts into two orders just to save 5 cents. i've never seen people work so hard to pay as little as possible. Even the other night he said he was going to buy us pizza for dinner. We go to this pizza shop, and the first thing he ask is if they have any left overs. Mayby it's just me, but it really amazes me how much, and to what extent they focus on saving anything they can. Oh well, I guess it's their problem. I'm just sick of it. Well, so far today is going good anyway. It is relaxing not being around them.