Feeling Alone
I just returned from helping a good friend of mine move. I haven't seen her for the past six weeks, so she doesn't know what has happened. She can be self-absorbed, so she doesn't always realize when people are in pain around her.
Anyhow, she invited over a couple of her co-workers to help her move. I have been feeling raw lately, like I am walking around with raw nerve endings. Every single time I brush up against an unknown person, I bristle, lose my words and end up staring at my feet. I can't make myself smile or make simple conversation. This is sooo different than who I am. I am normally such a charming person, the kind of person that can get along with anybody. I can get almost anyone to confide in me, to spill their life story in a matter of hours. I believe it is because I am generally a happy, non-judgemental person, and that is what I believe attract people to me. Most people just want to feel accepted. However, today I just felt as stiff as stone.
I met two guys today that approached me... I just sat there and stared at them as if they were aliens! They were nice and respectable in how they approached me, but I just didn't care. I couldn't even crack a smile! I just quickly excused myself and moved on with what I was doing, even if it was busy work. I am dying of loneliness inside. I want so badly to be part of a couple. I just about cried watching my friend with her son. I want a family so bad!! I feel like desperation and sadness are reeking off of me... Like some sort of horrible perfume. It is repelling, except to flies... This week I was approached by a couple of narcissists as well. They were easy to spot, overly charming, super-talkative, parrots to what I said, probing, asking inappropriate questions. I quickly shut them down and walked away.
I know my ex has already moved on to his next victim, like the fucking parasite that he is (excuse my language, I am pissed it is so easy for him). It isn't fair! I deserve to be happy, while he deserves nothing. I want nothing more than to move on, and let go!
I just had an idea... Maybe the key to moving on is non-attachment, not being attached to what has happened, just knowing that it is the past, that it can't be changed and that I deserve to be happy. The future is mine to create.
I want to be my charming self again... To smile and laugh and not cringe when someone talks to me or touches me.
Anyhow, she invited over a couple of her co-workers to help her move. I have been feeling raw lately, like I am walking around with raw nerve endings. Every single time I brush up against an unknown person, I bristle, lose my words and end up staring at my feet. I can't make myself smile or make simple conversation. This is sooo different than who I am. I am normally such a charming person, the kind of person that can get along with anybody. I can get almost anyone to confide in me, to spill their life story in a matter of hours. I believe it is because I am generally a happy, non-judgemental person, and that is what I believe attract people to me. Most people just want to feel accepted. However, today I just felt as stiff as stone.
I met two guys today that approached me... I just sat there and stared at them as if they were aliens! They were nice and respectable in how they approached me, but I just didn't care. I couldn't even crack a smile! I just quickly excused myself and moved on with what I was doing, even if it was busy work. I am dying of loneliness inside. I want so badly to be part of a couple. I just about cried watching my friend with her son. I want a family so bad!! I feel like desperation and sadness are reeking off of me... Like some sort of horrible perfume. It is repelling, except to flies... This week I was approached by a couple of narcissists as well. They were easy to spot, overly charming, super-talkative, parrots to what I said, probing, asking inappropriate questions. I quickly shut them down and walked away.
I know my ex has already moved on to his next victim, like the fucking parasite that he is (excuse my language, I am pissed it is so easy for him). It isn't fair! I deserve to be happy, while he deserves nothing. I want nothing more than to move on, and let go!
I just had an idea... Maybe the key to moving on is non-attachment, not being attached to what has happened, just knowing that it is the past, that it can't be changed and that I deserve to be happy. The future is mine to create.
I want to be my charming self again... To smile and laugh and not cringe when someone talks to me or touches me.
Replies
This is just how I feel... I feel awkward when out socialising, I look around at all the faces and all I can see is my ex.. I love him so much, I miss him so much, I\'ve given up trying to fight it.. but everything you have written is just how I feel... I don\'t know how to behave anymore... I\'m actually scared of having time on my hands as I don\'t know what to do anymore.
Hugs to you from Susan x x
Thank you, Susan! It is so validating to know I am not alone... I have missed seeing your posts on the board. I have been worried about you. I know how hard this is... I am here for you :)