Feelings

Somehow, andI don't know how yet, all of my 'stuff' seems to center around an intolerance for feeling painful emotions. That painful emotions need to be avoided like the plague. Like I'm not 'supposed' to have them, and if I do, something is wrong. It's a perception, as though I was programmed or wired to be that way.  These pains can be expressed as somantic, appear or come out as physical pains instead of just imaginary or non-physical pains. I'm almost guessing that I need to develope a tolerance for emotionnal pain that I've never had before. Anyway, what I'm learning is to let my feelings out without questioning whether they are 'right', 'correct', or 'justifiable', or rational (according to others) yet. The idea now is to get as many real feelings out as I have inside, and then evaluate them to find the common thread is them, if there is one. First collect the datum, then process the data for content commonalities and differentiations. (Yeah, right; I'll get right on that one! That'll be a whole new way of relating to myself, and that's scary!) Happy New Year!

Replies

Richeart
Richeart

Probably the best advice I can give myself right now is to stop writing in my journal for while. I\'ll see how long I can take my own advice.

Until further notice...
deleted_user
deleted_user

That\'s interestin Richeart as they way I was readng what you wrote was you feel the need to express the feelings (let them out) and not analyse them. I know you haven\'t asked for advice so I won\'t be presumtious to give it. Can I just ask why you wrote the further comment about not journalling at all for now?
Richeart
Richeart

Sure you may ask Hayes77! Because I was getting too close to the truth and I felt I would be judged for my feelings. I don\'t want to see the truth, it may make me look ugly to my friends and they wouldn\'t \'play\' with me any more.

That little tantrum has run me smack into a clarity of the \"Reflection\" principle: What I feel strongly about others doing to me MAY be something I\'m denying I\'m doing to them. In a moment of truth last night I admitted how I fear others will reject me, personally and about work; and how \"they\" are so judgmental and clique\'ish. So I had to ask myself based on the Reflection Principle: \"How am I doing that to others?\" And it works! I am very arrogant, demanding, suspicious, and jundgmental about others! My fears are an unconscious reflection of what I\'m projecting (blaming) on others. What I\'m accusing THEM of doing, I\'m doing to them! Mind-reading, except I\'m unaware of reading my own mind.

As a codependent I feel offended that I \'must\' attend to others\' feelings (instead of my own), \"poor me\", so \"am I complaining to others that I\'m a \'victim\' and asking them to feel sorry and pity me so they will take care of me because I won\'t take care of myself and my addiction to helping others?\" Am I accusing the alcoholic, or drug-user or \'addict\', of being irresponsible, when in fact \"am I doing that to others\"?

The Principle is that my strong emotions about my environment may be my soul\'s way of communicating with me by reflecting back through my ego, of who and how I\'m acting, so that I realize that I (my ego) am creating some, or all, of my feelings of discomfort. The first reaction from your ego when you ask this question of yourself is horror and denial. So watch out for that reaction; the truth can be painful at first. At first response, you may get that chilly feeling of denial, from your ego and it\'s \"goody two-shoes image\". It may take some time to work through that denial. It\'s important to realize that this does NOT involve the BAD/GOOD polarity. That if you\'re like what you\'re afraid of or angry about makes you bad or good. The experiment is just to see if you\'re aware you\'re doing it, without judgment. Suspend all judgment, that\'s you\'re ego talking, continuing the illusion of your need to be perceived as perfection.

Ever notice that men don\'t wear a lot of make-up? Yet women do, and can be very judgmental about how other women look and act? How they dress, and are they afraid they\'re being judged in the same fashion they judge other women? I\'ve heard that happens.

Happy New Year Hayes77, and all my friends.

(Didn\'t take me long to break my own advice, thanks for asking Hayes77.
By the way H, I looked at my world clock and it is 7:56 am Sunday the 27th here in Texas and I see it\'s 12:57 am Monday the 28th where you are. And it\'s 1:58 pm Sunday the 27 where Vee is. Interesting, to me at least.
mgs1
mgs1

I hope we aren\'t at this same place a year from now... I fear I will be dead.
deleted_user
deleted_user

It\'s very interesting. That we can all connect worlwide. Richeart this is brilliiant, brilliant reflection and the analogy of women judging (I do it ALL THE TIME through my own fear of being judged) makes it even clearer. Thank you for sharing this. Nice little tantrum! Well done for getting over it so quickly!
deleted_user
deleted_user

mgs1 - what do yo mean? Are you okay? x
Richeart
Richeart

I hope we\'re not in the same place too, Gwen! (And remember you attract what you focus on, so stop attracting dying...please.) We\'ll continue to grow this year. You may be tired of how difficult this all is. Take a break. This is really hard work and it can get pretty ugly, and to my knowledge there are no shortcuts. Failing is normal, and falling down and falling back are to be expected, and so is getting up and trying to succeed again through learning what works and what doesn\'t; the goal is kept in sight and giving up and continuing to live co-dependently is no longer an option. Working with our own minds is tricky business. The ego will do almost anything to deter us from experiencing reality and our feelings; I hear that\'s its sole purpose: To avoid the pain of living with emotions and things not working out as we want. Throwing a tantrum.

Thanks Hayes77. Glad it removed some perceptual cobwebs for you. Gwen keeps telling me I\'m my own worst enemy, and I\'m beginning to see how I\'m doing that. No one is doing it to me, there\'s no one else to blame for my continuing behavior once I become aware of what I\'m doing. It\'s like when I used to get drunk; it didn\'t solve the problem and no one was forcing me to drink and swallow. I did that all on my own. Co-dependency is the same thing, only it\'s harder to understand the behaviors. The only one responsible for how I continue to behave is ME! I can blame my ego for a while longer, but pretty soon that\'s not going to solve the problem either. I quit drinking because that\'s what I decided I wanted to do; and I can quit being co-dependent whenever I decide that it\'s the most important thing I can do for myself.
Richeart
Richeart

Besides Gwen, treat it as cheap entertainment...