Feel so Negative Today

I wish I was really happy today. I am pretending to be happy because I don't want anybody to think something is wrong with me.  To be honest, I am not happy at all. All I can think of is my life and the future. I feel as if I don't have a future because things are not looking to bright right now. I don't have a job, not marry, and don't have a baby. I wish I can have all three of them. Well that will not happen to me. I know it.  I have bad luck when it comes to job. I never really had a job in my life. As I think of my best friend who have everything, well maybe not everything, I envy her. I know I should envy but that is how I am feeling. I'm really happy for her but not happy for myself. I'm having low self esteem that I can't fight it. I don't like the way I look at all.  I'm afraid that I am going crazy because I keep having suicidal thoughts all of the time. I always think negative never positive. I am trying to think positive but the negative always win. I don't know what to do. Rather I should go to crisis center to get my life together because I feel so depressed.