Feel like a big LOSER!!!
I had been doing so well staying GF for a long time, but recently I had a relapse which led into two other times . . . though they weren't horrible monetarily and certainly not anywhere near what it was in the past . . . BUT I feel real bad about me! The truth is that today I broke down inside because I just could not stop myself - - - - I had numerous opportunities to stop because I generally get lucky on the machines, but my problem has always been - as most or all of us probably - that I can't walk away with the winnings!!! I really felt physically ILL as I was fighting my own self - knowing I was again in the wrong place, but unable to STOP MYSELF - - - - I was praying and internally sort of crying out for help... What a loser I felt like . . . . I talked to a friend and said - I can't believe I'm NOT OVER THIS CRAZY CRAZY ADDICTION - - - WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???? Honestly, I think I fell into the trap of thinking that I was OKAY, in CONTROL, and able to go out into those settings, but sadly, AGAIN I found that that isn't true about ME..... I know . . . I know . . .I need to get over it and through it and start again, but it is hard feeling this sad again and bad about ME.
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Hey there, just getting caught up on your journals. Sorry to hear you had a slip.
I had to prove to myself over and over I can\'t gamble in a \"normal\" way.
There is no getting over \"this crazy crazy addiction\". That is the truth.
That is very hard to accept...but accept it we must, or we are doomed to fall right back in the trap over and over again.
Most of us don\'t really want to quit gambling. We want to be able to gamble and be in control, we try different strategies....we are able to go once or twice without losing big...but we can\'t keep it up. It always goes back to not being able to stop and losing losing losing until we hate ourselves.
There has probably never been a time I didn\'t go to the casino and win at some point. I was \"lucky\" too. Trouble was, I couldn\'t walk away. I had to keep playing. It wasn\'t about winning, it became about playing as long as possible. Winning just gave me more time to play before I would have to stop playing again. At the end...it wasn\'t even fun. I knew when I walked in the door I would stay until I didn\'t have more to lose. Yes, there were a few nights when I might walk out a bit ahead (for the night, not overall...!) but I would go back and back until I was out of money again.
I hope I never allow myself to delude myself again that there is some way I can be in control over gambling. I\'ve lost enough, and hated myself enough.
I am sad that you are feeling bad...and I know that feeling.
There is absolutely no way to stop being an addict. I am wired that way. However...I CAN step out of the cycle, and not live in that crazy place!
Your friends are here to stand beside you. I would say there isn\'t a single one of us that hasn\'t tried to go back in there and gamble again....and we have all just had to pick ourselves up, and get back on the road.
You can too.
Hugs, Dianne